1. Locate your feminine side.
   

2. Rip it out with a swift tug and discard along with sandals.
   

3. Locate your genitals.
   

4. Name them. Nomenclature that conveys humor, power, and immensity is preferred, such as "the spurt utility vehicle."
   

5. Locate your television.
   

6. Find the channel named "ESPN" and sit down. Do not get up until it has become you.
   

7. Now, find the channel called "VH-1." Wait for videos by Michael Bolton, Kenny G, or James Taylor. Upon seeing one, grab the nearest meat tenderizer and deposit firm, steady blows to your kneecaps. Repeat until Pavlovian effect is achieved.
   

8. Eternal Truth #1: Life is a race, a game, a sport, a stand-off, the biggest contest you will ever compete in. Remember the other guy? He knows this. His goal is to crush you. He wants to take your money, your girlfriend, your car, your job, and your ESPN.
   

9. As a man, you are genetically programmed for aggression. Do not try to modify your DNA; you will lose. How do you think sharks got to be the pimps of the ocean, through negotiation and compromise? If you have difficulty with violence, absorb more ESPN, as well as movies in which Indians are killed, women are humiliated, and small animals are intimidated. You should strike fear into the heart of every kitten that sees you.
   

10. Hair is an unnatural topping for the head and should be covered with headgear advertising sports teams or suitable slogans such as "No Fat Chicks."
    

11. Remember your genitalia? Good. Monitor them regularly through surreptitious tugs and realignments.
    

12. Size and visual impact of genitalia is crucial. Normal penis size is 12 to 14 inches with a 4 inch circumference. If yours fall short, immediate remedies should be administered. Only one remedy is guaranteed effective (see Step #13).
    

13. Research shows that genital insecurity is best combated through a combination of compensation behaviors. In general, every inch below normal is equal to $8000 of needed compensation behavior, most easily achieved through the purchase of the hugest automobile one can find. So, for Ted, with a diminutive 8 inch manroot, a Ford F250 Supercab Diesel Duallie is in order. He may able to save money by not bothering with a muffler or emission control.
    

14. Eternal Truth #2: Fall in love with the primate you are. Maleness is about getting in touch with your red-butted, free swinging cousins. Recognize that you are at the core a beast and society is a cage. Resist any attempts to constrain your "thrust or bust" urge.
    

15. Women will be a frequent diversion from your conquests. Learn to blend them into the Manifest Destiny of your life by viewing them as conquests as well. Visualize a trophy case full of elk, moose, shark, Denise Richards, your secretary, and the middle school cheerleading squad.
    

16. Coaches were put on this planet to mold your self-esteem. Listen to them like Moses listened to Yahweh. Let not one drop of advice go unheeded. After all, many coaches are on ESPN. If they say you are dung, discover what kind of dung, how being dung can help them out, and if being dung can aid in becoming a coach (it will).
    

17. Duct tape.
    

18. A large vocabulary is over-rated. Restrict your patois to a system of grunts and mama-insults. Your esteem and influence in society will grow immensely as a result. Also remember your genitalia and its clever nickname. References to it can only help.
    

19. Females are biologically attracted to men that exude power and security. The best way to convey these qualities is through systematic rejection and abuse of any woman that becomes interested in you. This is known as the "Irresistable Jerk Theory." If you have doubts, I have two words for you: Mickey Rourke.
    

20. Unless you seek lifelong persecution and an occasional butt-whipping, vote Republican.
    

21. Things that spew smoke and make loud noises are much cooler than things that run on sunlight and put oxygen into the air. Collect as many of these items as you can before the lesbians and the Democrats take them all away.
    

22. Eternal Truth #3: The gun is an extension of the human body. Future evolutions of our species will feature .38 caliber snub nose revolver built directly into our wrists. But until that day, you should develop a symbiotic relationship with firearms. Putting cross-hairs on your bifocals is also recommended as a step in the right direction.
    

23. After mother’s milk, the most important liquid you will ever put in your body is beer. Indeed, after being weened from breast-feeding, beer drinking should commence. By age 35, no less than 75% of all of your daily calories should come from beer. (Note: Beer drinking is a social activity, to be engaged in with other men while watching ESPN, holding onto your crotch creature and talking about guns. Beer drinking in any amount by oneself is a sign of alcoholism).
    

24. Fat women and squirrely men will encourage you to engage in a pathetic practice known as "reading." This deviant habit was invented by degenerate monks in some Maoist Eurotrash sludgepit about 500 years ago. Reading is for minds too small to appreciate television. (Addendum: Guns & Ammo and Sports Illustrated, while colloquially considered reading material, do not count. Real men only look at the pictures.)
    

25. After conquering a woman, she may demand that you pathetically hold her, which again reveals her need for power and security. As the practice has been clinically proven to increase the likelihood of further coitus with the woman, we recommend the standard 3-4 minutes of holding, then shuffle off to your "office softball game." Longer holding durations may result in commitment or even monogamy.

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