Today, executives from Disney, AOL-Time Warner/Turner, General Electric, and Viacom agreed to combine their companies in the largest merger since . . . the last media merger almost six weeks ago. The total value of the merged corporation could not be computed by press time.

"If there’s one thing we know about the American people, it’s that they love a bargain--a lot of bang for the buck. Well, how much more bang can you get, man?" commented Michael Eisner, CEO of Disney/ABC, who will be the chief of the new mega-mongo miracle media monstrosity. Ted Turner, chairman of the new company apparently misunderstood the statement and responded, "Guess you’ve never been to the Playboy Mansion, eh Mikey?" Professional handlers then quickly removed Turner from the microphone.

Spokesman for the respective companies said the four simply realized they could compete against each for the next 20 years, or merge now and make more money than God.

Eisner and Gerald Levin, Chief Financial Officer, added that for the first time in human history, consumers will have the joy of experiencing whatever media they desire without the hassle of having to choose. "This new system will allow the user to just sit back in their favorite recliner or lounger, and enjoy high quality news and entertainment delivered by the most reliable brand names in the world. He or she doesn’t have to spend time choosing between ABC, NBC, CBS, or CNN. It’s now all the same."

Levin pointed out the new user-friendly features of the converged media behemoth, such as rotating anchors – Jennings at 5:30, Rather at 5:45, Shaw at 6:00. "Viewers can still watch their favorite broadcast news personalities, but now it’s all one show. Convenience is really the goal here ." He also spoke of how having the world’s most talented and powerful journalists working for one company will enhance newsgathering capacity by leaps and bounds.

"We now have over 3,400 years of combined journalistic experience working for us, with all those anchors, Koppel, Amanpour, all the old crusties at Time Magazine, not to mention the boys at 60 Minutes. Why would you watch anything else?"

Steve Case, President of the new company and Director of Channeling, added that all of this content will be available both on television, in print, and online through the America Online Internet service, which will be carried via cable modem by Time Warner. "This is free-market capitalism at it’s best, where innovation and competition push companies to higher and higher levels of customer value, and greater efficiency and synergy. Then, when all that’s out of the way, we can merge and eliminate all the competition, choice, and innovation."

Bill Gates, Chairman of Microsoft, adamantly attacked the merger, saying it creates an unfair media monopoly that stifles competition and innovation. "No one company should control one industry," said Gates. "That’s wrong, and not fair, and . . . dammit . . . Why didn’t I think of it!" He then stormed out of the press conference to play Quake, vowing to return and buy them all one day.

Wall Street analysts praised the wisdom of the merger, observing the natural synergy between the companies. "The greatest thing about modern capitalism is its tendency to form giant powerful centralized bureaucratic firms that are extremely efficient and cheap. Actually, the more I think about it, the more it sounds like communism. Hmm . . . has anyone written about this?" said Paul Van Der Hoek of Payne Webber Securities.

In Washington, owners of the New York Times, Washington Post, and the Associated Press petitioned lawmakers to reject the merger on the grounds that it destroys the free marketplace of ideas and ushers in a new age of Orwellian information control. "I’m not going to stand around and let Jerry Levin own the media. We’ve owned the media for over 50 years, and we’re not going to let it go without a fight."

FCC Chairman William Kennard, who will have ultimate regulatory approval of the merger, was also made an honorary board member of the new media giant and given 1,000 free HBO movies courtesy of Ted Turner.  

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