Someone I know said that the cost of a wedding is inversely proportional to how long the actual marriage will last. That’s definitely not a hard and fast rule, but the woman who said it had a point. The tendency in this society to lose sight of what is really important is no better exemplified than in modern-day weddings. As time goes on, weddings get increasingly lavish and elaborate, and there seems a hidden desire to one-up every other wedding. They have lost some of their original sentiment and become more and more about materialism.

The same point can be made about the engagement ring alone. Amazingly enough, the engagement ring has become an issue in itself, taking on a life of its own. The constant push to go bigger and better with weddings is paralleled in the trend with engagement rings.

With many engagements these days, there was a big hullabaloo about the inevitable engagement ring. On the man's side, there are the stresses of getting just the right ring—big enough, shiny enough, and something his prospective bride will like. After all, it’s something that she’s going to be wearing for the rest of her life, and if you’re plunking down two months’ salary, you’d better have something to show for it.

I’m not knocking the tradition of getting engaged. It lends a formality and reality to the idea of getting married. I’m not trying to trivialize the occasion. I understand completely the desire to set the occasion apart and to make it special. But what goes on nowadays trivializes the situation more than anything.

Hey, I’m the first to admit that I like bright, shiny things, and I really like diamonds. If Harry Winston called me tomorrow wanting to shower me with them, I wouldn’t complain. And I’m with Holly Golightly when she said there’s nothing like being at Tiffany’s to get rid of a case of the mean reds. Still, I’d like to know why they are such a big deal these days. It all seems to have gotten out of hand (no pun intended).

My sister recently got engaged. Shortly afterward, my father (who did not grow up in America) asked me if it was all an American custom (there are a lot of nebulous, inexplicable concepts that my father has filed under "American customs"). I told him I guessed it was, and then he asked me why. I couldn’t really explain it. He said, "It just seems like spending more money to me." I couldn’t really argue with him, because I think there’s some truth to that.

What could I say? Could I tell him that it’s a symbol of two people’s love and commitment to each other? (Call me jaded, but I’m really not that idealistic.) If it really were a symbol of commitment, the 4Cs wouldn’t matter so much.

Is it a symbol of the extent the man is willing to go to? That starts equating love with money, and I want to avoid that at all costs. Besides, the sacrifice that he’s made is ultimately only monetary; I’m not very impressed by that.

It has been suggested that it’s the man branding the woman—telling everyone else to keep away. This is quite possible, but again, it’s a bad image. I’m not that jaded.

This last point does raise some questions, though. It’s curious to note that in almost all cases it’s the woman wearing the engagement ring. I’m still trying to figure out why. It’s true that men don’t seem to be as deeply fascinated with jewelry as women are. However, the equality argument still asks what’s really going on.

The only movement toward equality that I can see in any of this is that many women are now helping shoulder some of the cost--albeit begrudgingly. This seems only fair, since more and more women are helping to choose their rings. Still, I thought the spontaneity was part of the beauty and charm of the whole endeavor. Nowadays, it’s less and less about a gift or token of affection and instead a more elaborate, research-driven ordeal—something akin to buying a new car or house.

So much for romance.

Perhaps the ring is a promise of things to come. This is a plausible explanation to me, although not necessarily in an idealistic sense, because what lies ahead might not be entirely rosy. If you’re working like a rat to pay for the ring, chances are that there’s something else you’ll be working like a rat to pay for up the road. While most men see their gift-giving duties as fulfilled at this point, unfortunately for them, few women agree. On the other hand, if a man is spending outside of his means for the ring, it may just be his nature to buy lots of things he can’t afford, which tends to get annoying after a while (especially when the repo man comes around).

But ultimately it signifies the materialism of our culture that we need these external objects to prove what we would otherwise simply feel: validation, commitment, and purpose. We have allowed things to take over and to start defining who we are and what we want in life. Sincerity, originality, and hard work have been replaced by conformity and taking the easy way out. There is a marked de-emphasis on self-fulfillment and an increased emphasis on material possession, detracting from the actual reasons we get engaged or married in the first place. So, rather than symbolizing the goals that we strive for, once again our things have themselves become the goal.

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