HOGNEWS, COMIN' ATCHA REAL FAST!
HOGNEWS, LIKE SHAVED HEAD BARBIE 2006!
HOGNEWS, BETTER GET UP ON YOUR READIN' SKILLS.
HOGNEWS, BECAUSE I'M HIGH!
HOGNEWS, SOMETHIN', SOMETHIN', REAL HARD!
HOGNEWS, LIKE A REE-hee-TARD!
(THEN, I PICTURE THE SOUND OF A CAR PEELING OUT)
Howdy folks, and welcome to Hognews, I'm the Good Reverend.
God...Fucking....Dammit.
I cannot even begin to describe the scene here in San Marcos, but I'll give it a try.
Babies, little bitty babies are erupting into flame all over the city!
That's how fucking hot it is.
Dogs, friendly, unassuming companion dogs, are setting themselves on fire just to cool off!
That's how GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING hot it is.
The sky is black with buzzards because of all the blackened dog and baby carcasses clogging the streets. There's still good meat underneath the char, these birds know that, and I know it too, but I swore off eatin' baby years ago, so I sit and watch as the vultures feast upon the fallen future. God save us all. Or, fuck you God, this was all your fault. I don't care, just make it all go away......away.....please....(sobbing)......
These are desperate times.
Of course, that don't mean we can't talk about Rock and Roll, right? I mean, fuck, this IS still HOGNEWS, AIN'T IT!
So, let's hit this goat with the ether rag and proceed with the fuckin'. Can I get an AMEN?
Before we go any further, I'd like to give a down-home San Marcos shout-out to my main man in Brazil, David Escondido. What the fuck, broham? Yeeeeea.
Number two. You might have noticed that it has been several months since our last HOGNEWS transmission. There's reasons for that. Unfortunately, I am not allowed to put the real reason on the internet, but I can say this: According to some folks, "Some things aren't funny."
Remember that. Also, and this just comes from me, just a little advice from an elder statesman, always keep some bail money handy, and never let anybody talk you into putting Ben Gay on your sack.
Oh, I guess there's all kinds of band business to talk up.
Let's go Full Metal Jacket style:
"I was on fire watch when that asshole Leonard showed up with a loaded weapon, then he ventilated the drill sergeant all over the shitter, then offed himself. If that wasn't trippy enough, he said the following:
"I AM in a world of shit, and Hognose is recording the followup to the widely acclaimed, triple-digit seller "El Sombrero." Word has it that the boys are recording the whole thing themselves at their new studio, somewhere deep in the Texas hill country. A listen to some of the new tracks have this reporter giving the latest Hognose effort an enthusiastic." BAM"
Then, we have the kickass gigs we are playing. You can check out the shows page, or get it on the RED DAWN tip:
"East Coast, West Coast, down here's Mexico. Right by the dude from Dirty Dancing's ballet shoe there, is Mesa, Arizona. Right in the heart of Commie country. That's where SHoD is gonna be. Three days of delicious hamburgers at Hollywood Alley. First weekend of September, Hognose plays on Sunday, mention this ad and I'll have the mom from Back to the Future show you her tits. Good times."
That's right! Check this buggin'-ass Travis Bickle shit:
"One of these days, there's gonna be a real big rain, and that rain is gonna wash all the shit away and then me and Jodie Foster and that dude from Young Frankenstein, you now Ray's dad from Everybody Loves Raymond? That guy? Yeah, we're all going to have a three-way. I know it's probably wrong, but you know I am unstable. Remember the date I had with Cybil Shepherd? Man, if that doesn't raise the warning flags...Anyway, since there's no telling when the big rain's gonna get here, there's this kickass rock fest in San Antonio called Doom To Fall that'll keep us all occupied in the interim. Hognose is playing that shit, and I believe it'll be worthwhile for each and every one of you, except you Harvey Keitel, to get down to the Alamo city and check this shit out. I believe it happens in October."
Goddammit, I guess that's it for now.
I'll get back with everybody after I watch some more movies.
See you at the pre-trial hearing.

Updated: 7/28/06

Howdy Hogfans!

Just a quick update to tell y'all about some shows we got comin' up! So, get over to the show page right now! Also, we're writing and doing demos of new tunes for our next release on Arclight Records, due in early '07!

I swear Reverend Roy Todd will write some actual Hognews here shortly.

Till then, see ya at the Chinchilla farm!

To hear some tracks off of our newest album "El Sombrero" go Here

HOGNEWS:

11/23/2005

Hognews, hognews, hognews. You can drop the act. We all know what you've been up to when you show up to my birthday party on a stolen bicycle with gold paint all over your face. It used to be funny, and it still is, but it kinda makes me cry inside a little, which usually makes me laugh even harder.

THIS IS THE YEAR-END UPDATE, HERE'S YOUR HOST!

Good Evening, I'm Roy Todd, let's fuck this goat.

I want to talk about soooo much. So much. Frankly, I've been up for a couple of days, so it might be best if I just make a list right now so I don't just wander off on a conspiratorial typing jag.

Here's the list:

1. The Thor Tour of Texas.
2. Here's what you don't want to do.
3. Want to get your legs chopped off by a freight elevator? Ask me how!
4. My costume used to fuck costumes like yours in Prison.
5. If you can't spell "chrysanthemum" and you don't have any drugs, you can't borrow my gear.
6. It's BACON EGG AND CHEESE sandwich time again.
7. I got kicked off of the family e-mail birthday calendar twice.
8. I heart SuperHeavyGoatAss.

So, uhhh. Okay. I'm gonna go for a smoke and then type some more.

First, a prayer:

Lord,

I heard the other day that you love all of us equally, like we're your children. If that's the case, then are you sure you don't love some of us just a little more than others? You know who I'm talking about. I know you might at least lean more favorably towards some folks, right? Remember that time you pissed in that beer cup and then put it on the table those sorority girls were sitting at, then that one drank some and you laughed like a braying donkey? Remember who stepped in when that chick's boyfriend was gonna stomp your ass? That's what I thought. Now who's your boy?

Amen.

THE THOR TOUR OF TEXAS
_____________________

Yes, the HOGNOSE rock band played two dates with the mighty barbarian on his comeback tour. While there's no way I can justifiably describe the spectacle that is THOR, I'm gonna give it a shot:

THOR IS NICE, HE HAS SCARY COSTUMES AND A GUITAR PLAYER NAMED STEVE, THOR SALUTED ME FOR TRYING TO BEND THE STEEL, HIS BASS PLAYER HAS THE NAME OF "JOHN," THOR PROBABLY USES THE WRONG KIND OF DEODORANT, HE IS FROM CANADA.

Yeah, I know. It's just like you were there.

HERE'S WHAT YOU DON'T WANT TO DO
_______________________________

I awoke to a severe bout of "this is what happens when you eat bait" the other night. It was bad, bad, bad. I'm not going to go into too many details, but at one point it sounded like the beginning of MASTER OF PUPPETS, but with a good drummer.

WANT TO GET YOUR LEGS CHOPPED OFF BY A FREIGHT ELEVATOR? ASK ME HOW!
_______________________________

It was Halloween, it was raining, we were in Houston. On tap was the Bartender's Ball, the hottest rock ticket in town, an event that was sure to leave the folks over at the Pentacostal haunted house wondering "Just where the fuck are all the sinners at?"

First off, I cannot tell everybody how fucking awesome the folks at HELLFIRE ENTERTAINMENT are. My man Justin and his crew organize the finest music events in Harris county.

We played with Black Novas, Drunken Thunder, Dixie Witch, and Supagroup. A great time was had by all. I was especially pleased with the Drunken Thunder set which was reminiscent of the good-old-days of heavy Texas psychedelic scariness. Of course, Dixie Witch and Supagroup were as bad-ass as ever.

Then I almost got my fucking legs chopped off by a freight elevator. The way you do this is: Disarm all the safety devices, then get someone to start the elevator while you're half in and the door's open, and you're all woozy on some pills a giraffe gave you. If you don't get your legs all the way inside the elevator, the next sound you hear will be you, screaming, real loud. Plus, your legs will be off.

MY COSTUME USED TO FUCK COSTUMES LIKE YOURS IN PRISON
_______________________________

This is what my costume is gonna say on it next year. This year it said "SuperHeavyGoatAss."

IF YOU CAN'T SPELL "CHRYSANTHEMUM" AND YOU DON'T HAVE ANY DRUGS, YOU CAN'T BORROW MY GEAR.
_______________________________

Sorry, but rules are the cornerstone of civilization. Keep in mind, that since I make the rules, I can also make new rules that override the old rules. So, maybe you can't spell "chrysanthemum" but you have some nice things to say about my haircut, or even ask politely, that might warrant an addendum to the rules. Keep this in mind. I have to see something. Just being from Salton Sea, California won't do it.

I will mention that Dillon does not have this rule. The way he figures it, if you want to play on his kit, you know, the one that just had the snare drum covered in puke, that will just give us more to laugh about on the drive home.

We played at THE DOUBLEWIDE for Honky's CD release show. It was a real fine night. If you want to treat yourself to a tour of the most fucked parts of downtown Dallas, go ahead and ask Pinkus for directions.

IT'S BACON EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH TIME AGAIN!
_______________________________

This is what Dillon orders every time we stop for breakfast.

Mostly for being a smartass, which is my forte'. I think the straw that broke the camel's back was when I got a happy birthday message with a picture of one of my cousins on it, to which I responded "This looks like an ad for a whore house where all the broads have VD." When the golden ring of comedy presents itself, you must grab that ring, or forefit the opportunity to laugh-shit your pants. That's my motto.

The first time I got kicked off was because I had a link to the hognose.net website as my e-mail signature and was asked to take it off because it was "offensive" to some parties. So I replaced it with various "super duper filthy porn" site links, which didn't go over well. All I can say is this: When you have a dude like me in your family, and you know that person is probably sitting naked in front of a computer bought with drug money, picking scabs and muttering on and on about who was going to clean up all the cat shit in the laundry room, you should not be surprised when you receive e-mail signed "Reverend Fuck Pants."

I HEART SUPERHEAVYGOATASS
_______________________________

Down here in Texas, we have a sayin' that goes something like "Whenever somebody asks you what time it is, you should just go ahead and tell 'em "Time?" then act retarded." I live by that sayin' and so do my boys in the world's greatest rock band SuperHeavyGoatAss. I say this, because the other night I was talking to Russell and he said "Dude, I want you to do me a favor." I said "Anything, you know I worship all that is you." He says, "I want you to ask me what time it is." I said "Yeah, I'm not going to do that." He said "Why?" I said "You know why." Then he said "You're right, I guess I'll have to eat this entire chocolate pie by myself." Then I said "Not so fast, nobody mentioned chocolate pie at the onset of this conversation, What time is it?" Then he said "Time?" and started acting all retarded. I then said "Now, how about some of that pie." He was like "Leejjjrrrlnk, naa, naaa, naaaa, I have a nonny nonny too!" Fucker did not have any pie, I guess that's just another lesson learned.

So, that's it. Everything you need to know about the Hognose rock band until next year. Keep your ears on MTV's Real World Austin for the sounds of royalty checks breaking my door down. In addition, we're working on our next record, which will get recorded this Summer.

I sure do hope everybody is doin' good out there in 10001110101 world.

We'll see you at the, uhh, well fuck.

7/24/2005

Oh HOGNEWS, why do you do me like you do? You know, with the telling me you love me, then the banging my step-dad on the floor of my trailer while you think I'm off at band practice but I'm really at the Crazy Lady smoking speed in the shitter? All that, yet I pledge my undying, everlasting love to you, the only semi-regular newsletter in my life. I may be a fool, but it is you, HOGNEWS, that makes my life complete.

So, let's get this spank-mitt on the fuckin' road!

Welcome to the Summer edition of HOGNEWS, your one-stop source for all things libelous and defamatory when it comes to Toby Keith.

Here's the latest update on the ongoing exchange with Toby's people:

Early in July I received a call at work from a dude named T.K. Kimbrell who threatened to fuck me up if I didn't quit using Toby Keith's name. He was real mad that I sent his attorney a picture of that cease and desist letter sticking out of my ass, which I thought was real funny, and told him so. Then I found out the dude is Toby's manager, so after I told him there was nothing wrong with being a big tough gay man, he hung up on me. So, from me to you T.K., I am truly sorry you were born without balls or a sense of humor, but as it turns out, there's nothing, and I mean absolutely not one single thing you can do to make me stop exposing the truth about Toby. If I'da said anything about Toby that's not true, you'da already sued my ass. So, if you want to call and talk about barbeque or somethin', you're always welcome, but if you want to try to censor the Toby report, my man, I am afraid you're wasting your time.

Here's the latest: Toby (while probably wearing some lacy undergarments of the Target variety) made his manager call me at work because I hurt his feelings. I'm sorry Toby, but I don't endorse the "go between" system. You want to say something to me, just apologize about the Natalie Maines situation on national TV, stay away from Willie, and drop the Ford truck commercials. Then we can talk.

Here's some news about the HOGNOSE rock band:

We went out on a two-week drive around the greater Southwest United States and it went great, here's a little rundown from each stop:

AUSTIN: We played to six people at room 710 at about 4:30 in the afternoon. Later, a two-piece improvisational tambourine band from Port Arthur packed the place, the fire marshall declared a state of emergency, shut it down, invited four hundred of his friends, then opened it back up. Also everybody got laid, but this was long after we were told to leave town and never come back.

LUBBOCK: We didn't play in Lubbock, but we stopped long enough for me to prank call a local preacher (Ed Ainsworth, leader of the greater Lubbock abstinence coalition, or some such shit). Here's a tip: Call from a pay phone and say" POoooOP" in a real high-pitched voice when he answers. If you're lucky, he'll call you a "motherfucker!" Worked for me!

AMARILLO: There's some real good looking girls in Amarillo, because it's in Texas. Believe it or not, the band we played with was able to make me vomit twice. We set-up and ran about fifty kids off to tip cows and study the Lord. Either way, the place we played was real cool, it is called THE POD.

EL PASO: Yeah, the guy who ran this club didn't have a PA, so I borrowed his cordless phone, walked out on the back patio and threw it over the fence. Then we left.

ALBUQUERQUE: Fuckin' A! Burt's Tiki Hut on a Monday night was a hoot. Many thanks to Brian, Gordie, and all the other folks who said "fuck it" and came out on a Monday night. I know we played with the Sleestacks and Darlington Horns, and that if you are all crazy lookin' and you break down weeping about your sick puppy back home (Fluffy, or Champ), you'll get the good discount at any Radisson hotel across the nation. Just make sure you look crazy (I don't have to try, but you can shave off one of your eyebrows should you find yourself in a pinch) and say "Fluffy!" a lot while sobbing. Have a drummer pat you on the back and say "I'm sorry." They have a lot of practice and say it with conviction.

TUCSON: The dude who books at the place we were supposed to play in Tucson was a dick, so I stole his car keys and threw them on top of the building. Take that, asshole! Nothing against Tucson, though, I got some great advice on how to keep piss from going up your nose during a golden shower. Useful info is where you find it, people.

PHOENIX: We played to an enthusiastic ten-person crowd and stayed at a Motel 6. While on a limited engagement in the can I heard a chick scream bloody murder upstairs, then heard some hacking sounds combined with what I'd call "gurgling." After checking into it, turns out it was just some dude dismembering a hooker who'd talked some "shit." Phoenix, yeah.

SAN DIEGO: We played at Scolari's Office over in Old Town San Diego. Lots of folks out for a hoot on this night. San Diego is a pretty cool place, except that you can't smoke in the bars, and if you get busted with even a little weed, you're probably going to get a ticket.

LAS VEGAS: Yeah, all the local bands cancelled and the promoter told us we might as well just stay home. I figured it'd be cooler if we backed into his truck on the way out of there, which we did, real, real, good. Before leaving, Dillon struck up a conversation with this chick who informed us that there's a lot of "clean" prostitutes at the Texas casino, so we should probably go check that out. We did, and there were.

L.A.- We played at The Scene Bar in Glendale. It was real cool, the people were cool, I liked it. We played with THE WHORES OF TIJUANA, who were nice boys. This was another one of those bars where you can't smoke, so we stood out on the sidewalk and looked tough because we were smoking and had greased-up hair and leather jackets with the Misfits dude on 'em. Glendale. Mmmm.

DENVER- God damn, it is a long way from Glendale to Denver. We stopped in Mesquite, Nevada for some Mexican food. It sucked, but I did get to knock a dude's water over for calling me "Mikey" from the American Chopper show. For real. Shane flicked the dude's ear and Sol and Dillon leered at his daughter's tits. I just kept thinking "Manners are the cornerstone of advanced civilization." Anyway, the gig in Denver was in a huge place on a night they weren't even supposed to be open. No people there, but we got paid, stayed in a good hotel, and ate some decent grub at 4am. All in all, real nice.

WICHITA: The best. Kirby's beer store was el tetons numero einen (number one tits, motherfuckers). This was the biggest surprise of the tour, without a doubt. Nothing against you other cities, but there's only one Kirby's and it is in Wichita. In addition, there's a real cool chick there, whose kindness and hospitality is second to none. Whiskey Uber Alles! That's all I have to say about that. We'll be back soon with all the Lone Star we can carry.

LITTLE ROCK: Yeah, Downtown Music is run by some folks who'll make you shit your speed-0 if you let 'em talk to you. Fuck, man I was laughing for about thirty minutes before I realized I was sitting in a pile of my own fecum. Lord almighty.These are the same folks who are in RWAKE, so you really wouldn't think they'd be all that funny (because their music mostly makes people bleed rectally, but in a good way), but that's just not the case. Good times had by all. All the local bands cancelled, but they got a replacement whose name I can't remember, but one of the dudes in the band was named B-bo. They were fucking good. Arkansas has some good truck stops.

OKLAHOMA CITY: All the local bands cancelled, so we just went on to Houston.

HOUSTON: I was real glad to be back in Texas. We were eating at Chuy's on Westheimer and I noticed that even the regular looking chicks there were better looking than most of the chicks in all the states we'd been. Sorry, California, but these Texas ladies even put it on your little crop of chicken. We played at Rudyards and the show was real good. We all spent the night and hauled ass back home on Sunday.

Overall, the tour was real cool. We met some fine folks out on the highways and byways of the greater southwestern United States and had time to reflect on almost every aspect of our lives as we drove many thousands of miles. Mostly, I reflected on how awesome it is to be able to see down into cars from up high in the van. Dillon reflected on how you can eat almost anything, no matter how old it is, or where you found it, and not get sick most of the time. Sol really loosened up, he told three jokes, which was three more than I have heard from him the entire time we've known each other. Red, well... better Red than dead. That's what Red said, "better fucking Red, than motherfucking dead." I agree. There's a lot to be learned from a mind like that.

I also learned that it is easy to sleep in a chair if you make believe you are an astronaut AND you have a real good pot muffin up in you.

There's lots of shows coming up in August, in addition, you can hear Hognose on MTV's Road Rules/ Real World Challenge, Sirius sattelite radio, the new Verizon cell phone, and some damn Motocross video I don't know the name of. When I get my BMI check I am going to fulfill my crazy lifelong dream of having a different pair of socks for every day of the week. We can still be friends, though.

We'll be back in your town soon, so stay tuned.

I reckon that's it for now.

See 'ya at the uhhhhhhhh, the, uhhhhhhhhh, store, yeah, the METH store. Ha! I'm killin' myself over here with the witticisms! THE METH STORE! Good GOD! THAT'S TOO FUCKIN' FUNNY!

7/7/2005

Howdy Ya'll!
Just a quicky so, heeeeeeere we go!
The new album "El Sombrero" will be out in stores SOON! to preview a couple of tracks, Click HERE. We had a real good tour back in April, and there should be a Tour Log up here soon. Also, you can go to STONERROCK.COM to check out some reviews for the new shit! there's also a brand spankin' new interview in the interviews section of the same site.

Check back soon for the longer, funnier News to which you are all accustomed.

bye bye now,
Red.

4/10/2005
HEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEESSS HOGNEWS!

There's so much to talk about, so, so, much. I think it would be a disservice to all of our kind readers if I didn't rhyme this entire episode. So, WORD?

Neosporin, I've been ignorin' all the news on the t.v., Heebeegeebee. Uhhhhhhh...........

Okay, scratch that. This time, the gimmick is gonna be straight up news, no messin' around with sparklement and impressive spelling.

Here goes:

We played some good shows. SXSW was a trip. I got me an ear infection. We're going on tour in April.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. Enough. I'm just gonna let it flow. We'll see what happens.

Howdy all, and welcome to the spring edition of Hognews. I'm Roy Todd and I'll be doing all the talking here. Let's see what this shitbox'll do!

(Yeah, now this is going pretty good, wouldn't you say? Stick with the tried and true, no experimentin' around with the classic formula)

I have to tell all of my folks out there in computerland some important shit here right off the bat. This is very important, that's why I am not writing this in my underwear. So, here we go:

IF ANYTHING EVER HAPPENS TO ME, I WANT IT KNOWN RIGHT NOW THAT I DO NOT WANT TO BE TAKEN OFF OF ANY LIFE SUPPORT SYSTEM OR DENIED ANY FORM OF SUSTENANCE NECESSARY TO PROLONG MY LIFE. THESE ARE MY INTENTIONS. TAKE THIS DOWN BECAUSE I AM ONLY GOING TO SAY IT THIS ONE TIME, OR I MIGHT SAY IT A FEW MORE TIMES. MAKE SURE AND HOOK MY ASS UP TO WHATEVER KIND OF MACHINE I NEED TO BE HOOKED UP TO, NO MATTER THE COST, BECAUSE IF THIS PLAN IS GONNA WORK, I AM GOING TO HAVE TO BE SOMEWHAT ALIVE.

EVERYBODY WITH ME?

OKAY, PART TWO OF THIS IS THAT IN THE EVENT THAT I AM UNABLE TO COMMUNICATE MY CONDITION IN A "NORMAL" FASHION (EITHER VERBALLY, WRITTEN, SIGN LANGUAGE, MORSE CODE) PLEASE MAKE A SHARK FIN OUT OF A PIECE OF CARDBOARD AND INSERT IT IN THE CRACK OF MY ASS. NO MATTER WHAT, DO NOT TAKE THAT SHARK FIN OUT OF MY ASS, AND DO NOT EVER, EVER, EVER, UN-HOOK ME FROM THE AFOREMENTIONED LIFE-GIVING APPARATUS. I WANT TO LIVE AS LONG AS POSSIBLE WITH A CARDBOARD SHARK FIN IN MY ASS, AND I DON'T CARE WHO PAYS FOR IT, I DON'T CARE IF IT IS RIDICULOUS AND POINTLESS, AND I SURE AS FUCK DON'T CARE IF IT IS EVENTUALLY CRUEL. BELIEVE ME, I WILL BE LAUGHING ON THE INSIDE IN THE EVENT THAT I AM TRAPPED IN A USELESS BAG OF MEAT LIKE THE DUDE IN THE METALLICA VIDEO.

GOT THAT? THANKS!

Speaking of Metallica, I am going to have to post a copy of the "cease and desist" letter I got from Toby Keith's lawyers earlier this year. I'm not going to go into it right now, but it says something like:

"It has come to our attention that you are using our client's name to promote your website. It is our determination that your organization is not authorized to use our clients name or likeness, therefore we must demand that you cease the use and distribution of infringing materials including electronic and printed media."

I KNOW!

Anyway, I have a feeling these guys are going to be real, real pissed off at me in the future. I promise to keep you posted. Just for funzies, howabout we go ahead and say TOBY KEITH right now. Ready? Here goes: TOBY KEITH. You know the one I'm talkin' 'bout.

So...we sure have played a bunch of shows lately. I can't really remember every fucking place, but I can give you a rundown of the bands:

PB Army
Red Giant
Imperial Battlesnake
Speedloader
SuperHeavyGoatAss
Activator
Pillcrusher
AmplifiedHeat
Made out of Babies
RPG

Shit, who else? All I can say is GOD DAMN there's a lot of talented and cool folks out there. I mean, shit, the dudes from Super Heavy even caught me breaking into their van without even a stitch of clothing on and they didn't even go to work on my balls with an angle grinder or nothin'. In fact, Brent made me a real good sandwich (turkey and mayo, crust cut off, diagonal cut) and Derrick lent me a bear-skin rug to cover my naughtiness with. They said that kind of shit happens to them all the time, so they are used to it. 10-4 to that SuperHeavy! They have a new record out called 60,000 Years, and it is real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real good.

Oh yeah, MTV used some of our rock music on Road Rules/Real World challenge, so I can mark that off of the list. I am telling you something, America, you could do a hell of a lot worse than getting fifteen seconds of one of your songs played as background music on MTV. You sure as fuck could. So now, unless you have had some of your shit played on MTV, don't even try to tell me a motherfucking thing. If you do, I'll have to ask you which one of us has had our music on MTV, and you already know the answer to that.

Just in case you have had some of your shit played on MTV, I will have to ask you which one of us made an "A" in statistics TWICE. We both already know who that is, so you might as well just go along with whatever disjointed craziness I'm dishin' at the time, 'cuz I can keep going.

We're going on tour in friggin April. You can go to www.elscorchobooking.com to check out the dates and all. We got us a new record coming out in June. It is called El Sombrero! and I know everybody is just about to shit trou in anticipation. Well, there's no need for that kind of extreme attention getter, because we'll sell you a flippin' copy of our shit right here on this website. E-mail a motherfucker and we'll figure it out!

We're doing an early record release show here in San Marcos at THE TRIPLE CROWN on April 16 with our friends THE BEAUMONTS, STONE LAR, and MOLLY AND THE HATCHETS. Lemme say this: IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE BEAUMONTS, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THE FUCKING BEAUMONTS. Go see this band, you will not be disappointed.

I guess that's it for now. I promise not to be so much of a stranger from now on.

Hope everybody's doing good out there, we'll see you at the emergency room.

12/17/2004

We extend our condolences to the family and friends of the victims of the senseless tragedy of December 8th.

THE GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKIN' NEWS, MOTHERFUCKER!

You know how sometimes you just don't have a damn thing to say. Like when you're over at your cousin Jim Ed's house and he's goin' on and on and on about how much he likes a certain kind of welding rod and what kind of athlete's foot powder smells the most like a real athlete and you wanna try to add your part to the exchange, but nothing comes out? Well, that's been me since the last installment of the HOGNEWS. Finally I have some shit to talk about, so let's quit all this jibber-jabber and get this gut wagon on the fuckin' road.

I am sure everybody will be happy to hear that the HOGNOSE rock band has completed our latest R&R effort. This fine recording of electric guitars and drums is going to be called ?I'll Fuck Anything That Moves, or El Sombrero. Either way, look for this out on Arclight Records around April 2005.

Speaking of Christmas, let me tell you what I have been doing at the airport: Besides getting as drunk as possible, the most fun to be had at the airport these days involves a huge rubber dick, some Hershey's kisses, a sock, and some carry-on luggage. See, it seems like there's nothing that I can do to avoid the old ?testicular jugglement at the security checkpoint. I have tried everything, but even when I show up at the airport in a Speedo and shower shoes, I am still subjected to the old look-see up the ass.

Since I am pretty sure I am a marked man, I have taken to carrying a big rubber dick (nothing you could kill a person with, mind you) in my carry-on luggage. Sometimes I smear some chocolate on it and hide it in a sock, sometimes I write BRAD PITT on it. It is strictly a what kind of mood I'm in deal. So far, I am happy to say that our airport screeners in Austin, Newark, Houston, Atlanta, Las Vegas, El Paso, and D/FW, have all been good, to semi-good sports about the rubber dick. Answering questions about your chocolate-smeared synthetic penis in front of a bunch of strangers you are going to be traveling with is a treat, indeed. Highly recommended.

Oh yeah, we got some rock-stuff to talk about as well. Our Halloween show at The Triple Crown was what I'd term aces. You may remember that Todd Dillon said he was going to dress-up as Condoleeza Rice, he did, and was stunning. In fact, right there in the middle of the show I started thinking to myself That fuckin' Condi, she's got the killer chops, and she's a doctor, maybe I should get to know this sexy piece of ch-ch-chickie meat. Then I said But wait, what' the fuck's wrong with me, I'm a happily married man, and that's really a dude, not that there's anything wrong with that, and it doesn't take away from the fact that he makes a shit-hot National Security Advisor, but for real, maybe I should get her number. Oh yeah, that's Dillon, why do I keep forgetting that? Anyway, she's a lot sexier in person than on TV. Fuckin' hell, what's wrong with me? What was I thinking about just now, it was real good. Ummmmmmmmmmmm

Why aren't we playing? That's what the LSD does for you.

What else.

Oh yeah, it looks like the HOGNOSE rock band will be coming to your town sometime in April. It looks like we will be going out with our heroes Superheavygoatass. We will get all the dates up as soon as our fancy-ass booking agent gets em all laid out.

We have us a show in Austin on January 15th at the Red Eyed Fly. Come one, come all. This'll be with Activator and Full Stride.

Hell, I reckon that should do it for now. Everybody have a good holiday and I'll see you at the disco push and shove.

8/6/2004

THE FOLLOWING "NEWS" MIGHT NOT BE ALL TRUE. I WROTE IT AFTER A ROOT CANAL WHILST COMPLETELY RUINED ON ABOUT TRIPLE THE PRESCRIBED DOSE OF PAIN MEDICATION. IN ADDITION, I AM JUST NOT IN THE MOOD TO FUCK AROUND WITH THE TRUTH. I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN I THINK I AM STRAYING. YOU MAY ALSO NOTICE THAT THIS INSTALLMENT DOES NOT CONTAIN A PRAYER. THIS IS BECAUSE I AM SO FUCKING PISSED OFF AT GOD FOR MAKING ME TOO SHORT TO PLAY BASKETBALL.

THIS VERY NEXT PART IS ALL TRUE:
Oh mommy, it sure has been a while since I wrote some good old hognews. Let's see what's been happening!

Okay, first thing this morning some dude comes up to me on the streets of San Marcos, Texas and says "hey, you got a smoke?" I do, but only three, I don't know this guy, so I say "sorry." He says "What?" I say "Sorry, I only have a couple and I'm broke." He takes a couple of steps and says "Well, sorry sounds nice, but it doesn't help me out." So I said "Okay, why don't you get a fuckin' job then?" He steps up and says (right in my face) "WHAT DID YOU SAY?" I say "I SAID WHY DON'T YOU GET A FUCKIN' JOB, THAT'S WHAT I HAVE, AND LOOK, I HAVE A FUCKIN' CIGARETTE." So then he says "Oh, I thought you said "Do you want a job."

THIS PART, I'M NOT TOO SURE ABOUT:
After beating the everlovin' shit out of this guy, I stole his wallet. Turns out, it was Lars Ulrich.

THIS PART IS REAL TRUE:
We sure have played a bunch of good shows with our rock brethren since we talked last. Off the top of my head I recall a show with ORANGE GOBLIN, HONKY, AND LAMONT it ruled in so many ways I can't describe it. I can say this: If you start your own band, you get to go to these shows for FREE! When was the last time you got to do that shit with basketball? We played two shows in a row with Texas hardcore legends DRESDEN 45, including their "last show ever." So, yeah, fun times.

In June we took off for four days to Arkansas and Louisiana to play some shows. We played with Test Site in Little Rock, this band fuckin' rocks so hard I have to lay down on the floor to listen to them. In addition, everybody at Downtown Music was cool, also we were high.

If there are any bands who want to know how to safely carry weed on the road, and I mean where it's not up your or anybody else's ass, just get in touch and I'll fill you in you in.

Then we went to New Orleans and played at the DIXIE TAVERN. Fuckin' A, I liked it. I mean, how do you not like a place where they let you park on the sidewalk? Shit man, they paid us some money, the skinheads were polite, there were some flamboyant prostitutes out and about, the airconditioning was cold. I dare anybody to come up with a better setup (don't say titty bar at the airport, I've heard that one).

THE NEXT PART IS TRUE, BUT THE NAMES ARE ALL CHANGED UP:
So, while we were in New Orleans, this dude came up to me and said (kinda in a drawl) "Hey, you got a cigarette?" I was just standing there, smoking. Fuck man, I don't know this dude for shit and he wants a smoke, and I have like five left and I know they'll be gone soon and I'll have to get some more and now this fuckin' hayseed wants to make that process one sooner, damn. Anyway, I said "Sorry." So he says "Well, sorry don't help me out." So I said "Well, why don't you start a band?" He's like "I got me a band motherfucker, what I don't have is a cigarette." That threw me for a loop, but I still stomped his boot and sent him flying into some piled-up garbage with a combo lit cigarette to the eye, flat side of the hand to the nose. Yeah, I know, but the fucker was SASS TALKIN' ME!

Anyway, later on, I was going through his wallet, turns out it was Paris Hilton.

ACTUALLY:
It was Toby Keith. I stole his stomped on boots too, but the motherfuckers were WAAAAAY too small for me.

THIS IS ALL TRUE:
Over here at the HOGNOSE, we're working on our new record. We rented us a house way out in the country and we're doing all the pre-production out there. It is mighty nice. We have yet to play one single note, but we built a gravity bong and painted the refrigerator. Oh yeah, Shane also told the story about what the best way to fuck a goat is:

"What you do, is get some ether, pour it on a rag, then you hit that goat real good with that ether rag a couple of times, then give one to yourself. Then, you just let sweet nature take its course!"

Personally, I always went for the "Put the hind legs in your boots" method myself, but I think old Red is sure onto something, I might have to change my way of thinkin'.

So, we got all that done, so before long, you gotta know there'll be some songwriting, recording, and such coming out of that place. This one will be on Arclight records, home of MOTHERFUCKIN BADASS ROCK AND ROLL LIKE FUCKIN SUPERHEAVYGOATASS, SPEEDLOADER, AMPLIFIED HEAT, SOME OTHER DUDES AND US, THE HOGNOSE ROCK BAND!

AFTER THINKING ABOUT IT, I BELIEVE I CAN SAY WITH 100% CERTAINTY:
It was Lars Ulrich, but he actually gave me his wallet.

RIGHT ABOUT NOW, I'M STARTING TO DRIFT AWAY, SO FEEL FREE TO INTERPRET AMONGST YOURSELVES:

So, I guess with all the recording and shit, we're not gonna be playing too many shows until probably OCTOBER with a tour to follow the record. Just keep checking back.

OH YEAH: Did you check out this new fuckin' website? Shit man, this fucker is KILLER. Thanks to the fine folks at Conquest Media for hooking this shit up.

I forgot to add this one last thing: There was an Arclight Records showcase at Room 710 in Austin that featured FUCKIN' SUPERHEAVYFUCKIN'GOATASS, FUCKIN' HOGNOSE, FUCKIN' AMPLIFUCKIN'FIED FUCKIN' HEAT, AND DRESDEN 45. What an awesome night, at least until the following happened:

Two dudes walked up to me, one short one with marbles in his mouth, one tall hick with an American flag sticking out of the back of his pants. The short one says "Hey, you gotta cigarette?" I'm like, fuck, here I am, I have some smokes, sure, but I don't know these dudes, even though I am sure I have seen 'em somewhere, but still, why can't they go blow somebody if they want a smoke that bad? So I say "Sorry." Then the big one says (in kind-of a prissy hillbilly voice) "Well, that don't help us none," then they started kissing, the little one grabbed the big one's nuts, and said "Toby Keith, don't let the fat man hurt your feelings, for you have me, Lars Ulrich to massage your prostate." It was pretty garbled, but I am pretty damn sure that's what he said.

So, there you go. Enough of this typing, I'm gonna get up in the rack with the dogs and the old lady and go on and on and on and on and on about how much I hate ramen noodles, and why I feel that way since I used to love 'em so much. Shit like that.

There 'ya go, from here at the HOGNOSE rock band, this has been the Good Reverend Roy Todd, we love you all, and we'll see you in the Percodan section.

2/23/2004 OH SAY CAN YOU SEE, NEW FUCKIN' NEWS, FRESH BEATS, HOLD IT DOWN SON. Hey everybody, this time there's so much to say I already have to smoke some more speed, and I JUST GOT FINISHED SMOKING SOME!!!! Oh speed, you darned scamp!

Okay, I'm back, so let's get at it! It has been a long, desperate winter here in Texas. Last week I had to wear long pants to the grocery store (not pajamas, I'm talkin' about some friggin' JEANS, DOG, .......word) and we have a new drummer in the HEEEOOOOUUUUSE. Whadda WHAAAAA? That's right biz-notch, next time our CREW rolls up, we're gonna have a new G layin' down some fresh, tight, twenty fo's on my ESCALADE (Yeeeeuuuuh!), ba-BAM BAMS, Yo.

Have I mentioned my newest guilty pleasure (not the cantelope thing)? Yeah, I like to watch Cribs, then go around the house house doin' my own cribs show. My favorite move so far is when I show what's in the fridge, I lay it on like this: "Yeeeeeeuh, of course you have to have the Kristal, and the mufukkin' pickle jar of urine, yo." Also, when I get to the bedroom, I don't fuck around with some bullshit "This is where all the magic happens, dog" claptrap. I go straight for "One time I had amoebic dysentery and I shit that very bed around eleven times. I thought I was gonna die. Also, THIS IS WHERE ALL THE MAGIC HAPPENS, YO!" (then I wink at the camera and do the "I'm bangin' a broad here" pelvic thrust and ass-slappin' move and say "yeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuh!!!").

Back to the drummer news: This one's named Todd, he's a good Texas boy. Oh yeah, the HOGNOSE record is out. It is called LONGHANDLE. We'll sell you one or you can get the shit from arclightrecords.com. I'd also like to mention that back in January we had a couple of real good shows. One was at Red Eyed Fly with SuperHeavyGoatAss, the other was at The Triple Crown in San Marcos with Molly and the Hatchets and Amplified Heat. Both shows were amazing. Where did all these people come from? Anyway, whatever's going on, I'm not questioning it. Thanks again to all the nice people who let us play music at their establishments, the people who work there, and especially the people who take precious time out of their day to come to our shows and get real liquored-up and spill drinks on our women, and scream, and eventually vomit or pee out in the parking lot. Yes, most especially you folks, we love you, don't ever change a thing, nothing, ever.

We're playing some real good shows coming up, so check the SHOWS page for all the info you need. Just so everybody knows, I'm boycotting "the LORD" until I get that fuckin' Tuba, so that should explain some things you might be wondering about. So, I reckon that's it. Hope everybody's doin' well out there in computerland. We're fine over here in the Hill Country. See 'ya at the snowcone stand

11/29/2003 THE NEWS! All right now, I think we got us enough built up to make all this worth it, so let's get this shitbox on the road. First off, I gotta do some apologizin' to some people. I had me a case of the Strep throat for a couple of weeks, some things happened, and I wanna beg the following people for their forgiveness: My mail lady Jan (baby, I know you're not a spy), the other members of the HOGNOSE rock band (Yes, that was a real gun, but I know you guys aren't spies), the nice people at my job (who, by far, are the least likely folks to ever participate in spying or implanting any listening devices in my car or upon my person, in addition, I CAN fix some of your stuff, but the rest will probably just have to be destroyed because I can already tell you the smell is never going to come out (just deduct it from my Christmas bonus). I'd also like to thank my new family physician for the pain-free recovery period (there were some mild side-effects).

So, now that we got that out of the way, let's have a little chat with the man upstairs, I believe it's about time, everybody bow your heads: LORD, I've been doing a lot of bad stuff lately, I know I don't have to tell you, I'm just making it clear 'cause we have an audience. Anyway, what I am getting at is that I had at least a week, maybe two of just laying up in the bed with somewhere in the neighborhood of a hundred and fifty of your finest prescription stuff. As the days stretched out real good I had a idea, which I kept forgetting, but luckily I spraypainted it on the back of the house sometime between October 1st and 15th. Anyway, my idea is this, oh omnipotent one: Let's just put this shit in the water (the pain medication, I mean). I know a lot of people who'd agree, my buddy Rush Limbaugh being one. There was a time when I thought Rush was just a loud-mouthed tub of shit, but once I found out we had some common interests I changed my tune right quick, oh Lord. So anyway, I'd appreciate it if you just gave it a little consideration this time, this could solve a lot of problems for the both of us, and overall, I feel real good about it. Also, with the Christmas season approaching, I'd like to go ahead and put my order in for a XXXL Electric Wizard shirt, and expose Toby Keith as the complete jackoff-fuckstick he is. So, AMEN.

Okay, now on to some more important stuff, including the HOGNOSE rock report. Hmmm. Did I mention that I was all sick for a couple of weeks? Okay, we played at Beerland with SuperHeavyGoatAss. We won't go over my apparently "obsessive" love for these guys again. None of 'em will talk to me anymore. They even had Kurt from Dixie Witch playing bass (I think because Brent was ill, hmmmmmm, kinda like how I was ill, I wonder what kind of work these boys are doing for the government? What kind of threat does Brent pose to the security of the country? What does he know?) and now he won't even talk to me. I think he heard about the "alleged" stalking incident involving me and a certain "Tim". Yeah, I'll admit it, I told Tim I thought I had to eat his flesh in order to fully absorb the massive rock juggernaut that is the Superheavygoatass (Dude, how many times do I have to tell you I WAS SICK WITH SOME KIND OF BACTERIAL INFECTION THAT FORCED ME TO DRINK A LOT OF COUGH SYRUP. So can we get past the finger pointin'?). Now, maybe he had a problem with the hatchet I was waving around, I don't know, I've been ill. Suffice it to say, if you don't want your windows broken, you shouldn't lock them. Right?

OH YEAH! We played with WEEDEATER at the old Room 710. That band fuckin' totally rocks. They had a dude from Buzzoven in there, he had a haircut. God DAMN! I guess I'm the last person to get turned on to these guys, but they are great. If they come to your town, get some earplugs and go see them. Oh yeah, shortly after that we played a good one here at home with the mighty DAREDIABLO of New York City. You know the Brooklyn alphabet? Fuckin' A, fuckin B, fuckin C (on and on). Here's the scoop on them: They have three dudes, they all know how to play their instruments and they fuckin' rock balls. Here's an excerpt from the conversation I had with Jake, their guitfiddler/masterbassionist: JAKE: Dude, is that a real gun? ME: WHO SENT YOU!!!! JAKE: Whoah! Man! You should put your pants back on before somebody calls the cops! ME: (screaming from the parking lot, without pants) YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME YOU FUCKING ROBOT!

So, I am sure you can glean from that excerpt that me and the Darediablo folks got along just fine. I cannot say enough good stuff about these cats. Of course, I am somewhat suspicious about a few things (like how their guitar player lays down some amazing Jeff Beck- style guitar puddin', yet it is the drummer who has the Jeff Beck haircut, also Jake told me he grew up around San Antonio and Austin, yet when I said "So, you think you can beat me in a RACE?" He just walked off. I thought that was kinda strange). Anyway, I am sure their quirkiness can be blamed on their proximity to all that radioactive dust floating around NYC. Don't forget to wear your respirators boys, we'll see you in March, I'll be there with my special hat on.

Then, lemme see. Uhhhhh. Oh yeah! We went down to Houston and played at a bar. Check this out: We didn't start playing until AFTER the bar was closed. This was certainly a switch from playing BEFORE the bar opens (our usual). Turns out, when you play AFTER the bar closes you get home much later, but your audience is the same size. To add insult to injury, 33% (or 1 person) of our crowd got thrown in jail, AND some dude in a turban smashed into my car. Houston, where's the fuckin' love? I thought we were getting along, now THIS? I'm sure you were just having an off night baby, so will you please just get in the car? GET IN THE FUCKING CAR! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please sweetie, just get in the car. Looks like the Hognose rock band will be playing at the world-famous TRIPLE CROWN of SAN MARCOS on New Year's Eve, so come on out pull your girlfriend's shirt up right in front of me like you always do Kyle Hahn.

Ooh. We still have a record coming out. There have been some delays, but I have been assured that something is going to happen sometime and I should probably "just shut the fuck up about it" if I know what's good for me. So I am not going to mention anything about it or who's responsible for all this, or why, or how I have been kinda "on edge" lately and how maybe somebody should "watch THEIR fuckin' mouth before they piss ME off." Just keep an eye out for the latest Hognose release entitled LONGHANDLE, available sometime on Arclight Records. I guess that's it for now, so I reckon we'll go ahead and cut 'er off here. Y'all have some good holidays and we'll see you at the Hays County Law Enforcement Center.

09/19/2003 TIME-FER SOME GOOD-'OL FACTUAL NEWS:  Howdee everybody, welcome to the latest installation of the friggin nine-pound bass of a Hognose country news report. Let's see what's happenin! First off, I guess everybody knows our man Johnny Cash has gone on to the great unknown and there is not much else I can say about Johnny except I am a lifelong fan. If you wanna run a little experiment, listen to AT FOLSOM PRISON. After you've done that, turn on the television, go directly to CMT. Now, as soon as a Tim McGraw video comes on, go ahead and shoot your fuckin' t.v. with a .45 revolver ( I use a Colt Peacemaker), then go back to AT FOLSOM. This is fun. Do this until you run out of televisions. Of course, in accordance with the scientific method, you'll want to come up with a hypothesis before running this experiment. My hypothesis is usually "some pills and a hat." You'll have to make up your own meaning for the word 'hypothesis', because I don't want to catch anybody using mine.

Okay, speaking of Tim McGraw, I know everybody is excited to know some more about the new HOGNOSE record. Well, here's what Tim had to say about it: "Yall need more see-through shirts and man-sex." Well said Tim! Anyway, this one is gonna be called LONGHANDLE and will be out on Arclight Records here in about two shakes. Stay tuned to the hognose.net for further info regarding the record and tour to follow. That's right, I said "tour." Soon, you will be able to see the Hognose rock band without even leaving town, as long as you live in Austin or San Marcos. That's fuckin' right, we're goin almost Tri-County!

Oh yeah, you can hear some cuts from the new record on the Texas State University radio station, which I believe is located at 89.9 on your FM dial. They used to have webcasting, and might still do it, but you'll have to check for yourself on www.ktsw.swt.edu 'cause I got an important business appointment.

So, what else? Well, I'll tell 'ya! We got us some shows coming up, that's what. Check the SHOWS PAGE to find out when and where. That's all I have for now. There's a good episode of Montel on right now (Women Who Kill for Sport!), so I'm gonna leave it at that. See 'ya at the Rotary Club!

07/27/2003 Well, well, well. Time for some motherfuckin' news. Hope everybody is doin' good out there, let's see what's happening with the folks down at HOGNOSE CENTRAL.

First, I have an apology: I remember when I was a kid I nearly broke a spring whilst laughing at Earl, the hydrocephalic crossing guard at my elementary school. This dude was a scream, his head was huge and he was just as retarded as you can get. My favorite joke to play on Earl was to say "Earl, what time is it?" He'd say "It's DAY time!" Jesus Christ man, that shit was classic and he'd go for it every time. Anyway, one day I was talkin' to my mom and I said "Hey mom, you know that dumb motherfucker Earl? WHAT A HUMP THAT GUY IS!"  I'll never forget the sad look in my mom's eyes as she surely realized that despite her best efforts, her little boy was already beyond salvage at the age of seven, a single tear ran down her cheek. Then she said "You know, it's not nice to make fun of retards, also, they are strong and go off real easy." "One day you tease old Earl too much and he could lose his shit and rip your asshole completely out of shape,  retards tend to have huge cocks 'ya know." I don't know how she knew that, and was horrified on many, many levels, to say the least.

Then she said something I'll never forget, she said "How would you like it if some little punk just badgered you day in and day out, hell, you're some waterhead dude, you have no car, that'd probably make you pretty sad, wouldn't it? How would you feel if Earl killed himself because YOU thought it was just so funny to tease him?" It's as if she told me that yesterday, I can still hear her words. So from the bottom of my heart Lars Ulrich, I am sorry about all the teasing. Please don't kill yourself. Just because you prance around like the prom queen and talk like you have a mouth full of jello, and you are addicted to gay porn, and you're short, and have a funny name, doesn't give me the right to make fun of you, a retarded guy. I know it must be lonely dancing around that Neverland Ranch of yours with that football helmet on, and frankly, I am embarassed (not for the first time, though) at my behavior. Please forgive me and the rest of the people I know or have met in my lifetime, because they and I all said you were some kind of Kansas City faggot, and I am sure we all regret it.

Enough of that. Now for this: The HOGNOSE rock band played some fucking badass shows between last time and now, let's review some. HOGNOSE -VS- SPEEDEALER Yep, this one was at the Axiom there in Houston. All I can say is that me and Zachary Scott had quite a conversation about the depressed state of the NASDAQ on the way back, thanks to Folgers and the fine folks at NO-DOZ for the lively conversation. If you're hurtin for a real uncomfortable, low-grade dose of the fast stuff I recommend a 40 of the black and two tablets of the white. Anyway, there's nothing I can add to what always gets said about SPEEDEALER except "SPONDOODIE!" Thanks to Rob and D'neta for hosting a fine rock and roll evening.

HOGNOSE, SUPERHEAVYGOATASS, SOUTHERN GUN CULTURE Soon, very soon, there will no longer be spaces between the names of these three bands. A blinding light will come down from the heavens and ignite the forge that will then, uh, I guess like melt these three humongoid billets of fuckin' steel shit into a gigantoid fuckin rock powerboat bulldozer that will drive around all drunkenly on holidays and smash shit up real good with its shiny chromium bulldozer blade thingy. This entity will be known as:  HOGNOSESUPERHEAVYGOATASSSOUTHERNGUNCULTURE2000

Until then, you should go see some of these shows. I think I speak for everyone in the HOGNOSE rock band when I say "If kicking ass paid a lot of money, you know, and you're not some kind of pro sports guy, or like an enforcer for the mob or something, or like a drunk cowboy who beats some other cowboy up and then steals his wallet, but not before giving him a little kiss on the lips, then SUPERHEAVYGOATASS and SOUTHERN GUN CULTURE would be so rich, it would be super neato! For real, Russell, Brent, Derek, Tim, Trent, Amber and Danny, you are my fools, don't ever forget that. GO SEE THESE BANDS!

Anyway, that show was at the TRIPLE CROWN, right here in San Marcos, Texas where there are absolutely never ever any stairs, and ther beer's always cold. Special thanks go out to Allen and Eric, Deb, Molly, Collin, and all the other beautiful people at the TripCrow for always making us feel right at home.

Oh yeah, another apology: I am sorry Toby Keith for getting you fired from your Ford Truck commercial gig. Maybe your choice of women's undergarments is your business, but when I see someone shoplifting bras at Target, I feel like that person is not suitable as the spokesperson for the same company that makes my automobiles, and that it is my duty to inform his employer of these activities to both protect said company and myself. Sorry, but you should have kept your mouth shut about my girl Natalie. By the way, have you ever noticed how there's lots of kickass bands with dudes from Lubbock in 'em? Shit yeah, Buddy Holly, Waylon (from Littlefield, but close enough),  HOGNOSE, SUPERHEAVYGOATASS, SOUTHERN GUN CULTURE, DIXIE WITCH, Speedealer, Squat Thrust, Mac Davis, THE DIXIE CHICKS, THE FLATLANDERS, THE ROLLING STONES (Weren't shit before Bobby Keys, a Slatonite), Roy Orbison (from Wink, but still pretty close and looks about the same). Yep, Lubbock. Also, believe it or not, there are a lot of really good looking ladies up there in Lubbock.

I also hear that we might be involved in some rock shows in the near future with the ACTIVATOR rock band, which is something to look forward to since they have a big surprise for everyone that even I don't have any information on, but hope it has something to do with a big old bottle of Hydrocodone and some whippets. Keep an eye out right here at the HOGNEWS for some really sloppy typing.

I guess to top it all off I'll tell you about something the band has been up to that I haven't made up. Oh yeah, we made us a record over at the Republic Studios with our friend David Elizondo. This here special piece of rock and roll history will come out on ARCLIGHT RECORDS shortly, so we'll keep you abreast of the situation. This is basically a concept album, with the concept being "don't suck," and I feel pretty comfortable saying we get the message across and this will be a record that will appeal to people in the HOGNOSE band, my friend Travis, Ian of Austin, and the other ten people I know who still like the rock. Seriously, we're trying to develop some schtick, and should soon be famous for being the band with the worst schtick in the world. Right now we have kind of a bunny rabbit flair about us, so we are going to exploit that for all it's worth.SO LOOK OUT WORLD, I'M HIGH AS A CHRISTMAS KITE! I guess that's it for now. I'm gonna go stand on the front porch and talk to myself. See 'ya at the Pig Farm

GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY, time for some of that good-old country Hognews, brought to you by Skeeter of San Marcos, YOUR source for highly suspect information! Let's get on! First, I need to apologize to all two of our loyal news readers here on the HOGNOSE rock and roll band website concerning the somewhat less than timely follow-up to the last installation of HOGNEWS. As you both know, there has been a war, and as you might not know, I have been unable to think straight since the Dixie Chicks interview.

First, some thoughts on the Chicks: I love these girls, everytime I see them or hear any of their songs I think to myself "Lloyd Maines is the greatest steel player on the planet," and "I don't know for sure which one I'd bang if I had to choose," and "Oh yeah, remember that Maines chick who was on the news in Lubbock? What a piece of ASS!" Lemme say this to Natalie: If Toby Keith gives you any problems, I know some fellas down here in San Marcos who will change his tune real quick. I believe it is traditional for Texas men to love the ladies, maybe you other folks (Toby, I'm talking to you) can overlook the fact that the Chicks are three juicy pieces of fried chicken, but me and my heterosexual friends are unable to do so. Lemme say this to Toby Keith: Hey Toby, I hear there have been some real advances in the treatment of PMS, you should look into it, also my wife said she saw you trying on panties at the Wal-Mart and I believe her.

Now let's get on to something else. Some things have happened that I will list in no particular order: 1. One of my friends recently got high with Willie then forgot where he was.

2. In a single day I saw three people who were missing an arm, then to cap it all off I saw an entire family of midgets.

3. My 9-Pin bowling team ended up winning 6 out of 42 games, which put us in last place for the Spring season at the Barbarossa Bowling Club in Barbarossa Texas.

4. We might have won even fewer games, thankfully J.D. Pinkus had to go to Utah to make a porno movie and we were able to get some girls in there to substitute for him. Hey Jeff, take your time getting back, we have some roller-derby queens watching the fort.

5. Speaking of Mormons, I saw some down the street earlier and hope I am home when they come by. I believe I will be wearing my Pope hat when answering the door. I love those boys. If there are any missionaries reading this, here's some advice I wish someone had given me, but I had to find out on my own: Try to get as high as you can until you are about 35, at the same time you need to do your best to chase lots of women and drive fast with the stereo on real loud, because when you turn 36 you're probably gonna have to marry a rich girl.

6. The Hognose band played some shows since last time, I can't really remember all of them so I will go ahead and hit the ones that stick out right now. Okay, there was one at Room 710 with Activator, Lord Humongus, SuperHeavyGoatAss, and Southern Gun Culture. Fuck, I would do this every day if I could make about ten dollars and get a shower. Not only do our Austin brethren lay it down, but to are genuinely nice people. Check out that SGC/SHGA split, I am listening to it it right now and it does smoke. Okay....uuuuh...OH YEAH, we played with RWAKE here in San Marcos with Activator. A great night of the loud stuff. Those Arkansas folks made me have nightmares for a while after this show.I had to watch The Exorcist to lighten my mood a bit, then it was nighty night. Check out RWAKE for the finest hillbilly doom shit west of the Missisip and be prepared to bleed rectally. There was a good one out in Seguin with Activator and Krum-Bums that was all in the name of charity. From what I hear, this place had the best hamburgers in six counties, but I was unable to confirm this because I was on that new experimental "All Count Chocula" diet. By the way, I hear the "All Nazi Meth" diet is far more effective, and surprisingly, only slightly more expensive than cereal. Anyway, this was a fun show. Thanks to Ruth for having us out, we are at your service whenever the need arises.

7. I saw the Metallica ICON show on MTV which made me realize this: When Avril Levine is the best act on any bill the end is probably closer than we all thought. Anyway, it was awful except for the snippets of old stuff and the first 20 seconds of the lame medley Metallica played that reminded me of how great that real old Metallica is and what a horrible drummer little Lars is.

I don't know too much else right now. Look for some new shows on the SHOWS page and I'll try to keep the news coming in a regular fashion. See 'ya at the Melvins show.

Howdy all, welcome back to another installment of the Hognose rock band's HOGNEWS. There's plenty to talk about, so let's quit all this fuckin' around and get this wagon on the road.

First off, we here at the Hognose rock band bid a sad farewell to our friend "Handsome" Joel Svatek. We will miss you.

Nextly, SOME NEWS: I guess it was sometime in January when we went on down to Houston to play rock and roll with Dixie Witch there at the Axiom. This was our first foray into Houston as a band and lemme tell you this: HOUSTON KNOWS HOW TO ROCK! I know it sounds like I am some kind of retard when I say that, but MAN! The Axiom is still in the same place it was when I last visited there (circa '93) but I had to find that out from the owner because all I remember about my last trip was that it was inside a building. Anyway, it was cold and raining, but there was a damn good crowd. The Hognose band played some rock, then Poor Dumb Bastards (sorry, I missed them because I was in the parking lot trying to score some "used" motorcycle parts) then Dixie Witch.

I know I am sadly behind the times in saying this, but Dixie kicks so much ass. In addition, they have two guys from Lubbock in the band, which makes them doubly certified. Anyway, you gotta love a band that tells the sound guy "I guess nobody will hear the vocals then" when told to turn down because "nobody can hear the vocals." My heroes. Great show. You should go to the Axiom and see what they've got cooking, tell 'em Hognose sent 'ya.

The following Saturday was the Hognose, Blues Condition, Broken Teeth, Dixie Witch, Honky show at Red Eyed Fly in Austin. Despite playing at 8pm, this was a bad-ass show. I could go on and on about it, but you would probably do well to read Scott's review at www.stonerrock.com in the live reviews section.

Coming up this Saturday (March 1) we are playing at The Triple Crown in San Marcos with The Spiders and Feaker Speedback. We're playing first, so get there early so you can be good and lubricated. After that, we have a show in late March (check the SHOWS page for the exact date and location) with those Loozyanna boys SANTERIA down in good-ole San Antonio. I'd also like to add that my bowling team has lost six games in a row, so would someone please get me a prescription for Darvon, or Percodan? This pain is killing me! Well, I guess I've pretty much said all I'm gonna say this time. Y'all behave yourselves.

See 'ya at the renderin' plant!

HOGNEWS FOR 1/17/2003 IT'S TIME FOR THE NEWS, SO SEND ME SOME NAKED PICTURES OF YOUR SISTER!

Aah, it doesn't have to be your sister, but I'm gonna need me some naked pictures. I prefer the women-folk myself, so y'all get to work! Anyway, what were we talking about last time? As I recall, we left off with the San Marcos Scene Magazine interview. Is this right? Well, as of the last report I received, which was yesterday, this interview will be on the stands by the time you read this here news. I believe some of the words have been changed from what we said, but I guess that's okay. For instance: There's this one part where I said I was extremely concerned with the steady takeover of the United States Government by ultra-conservative industrial/military interests, and that I thought this was causing the division between rich and poor to become wider. With a disappearing middle class those in charge have less incentive to serve the majority and instead are involved in what simply amounts to a rich-guy circle-jerk with the poor left to clean up. The voters are placated with cries of "We're too busy protecting your kids from suicide bombers to get you some decent jobs, but since you can't do anything about it, us good old boys are gonna go ahead and give ourselves a tax break while you are busy with your welfare application." When I got the final draft of the article it says this "I like flower arranging, it makes me happy. Sometimes when I'm down, I also twirl a baton in the yard."

Oh well, we got other things to talk about, so I'm not gonna complain too much at this point. Before I get to the rock and roll, I wanna tell you a story that was recently related to me by my friend Travgoatis of New Braunfels. Seems he and his lovely wife went to eat some pancakes at the IHOP recently and after they were seated some paramedics came in and hauled a guy off who had been laying in the floor, DEAD, just two tables away. Their view of the corpse had been blocked and nobody told them anything about any stiffs laying about in their general seating area. Yeah, so they left. I guess my point here is this: I never thought it would be necessary, but from now on you are going to be required to say "Are there any fuckin' DEAD people anywhere in this restaurant? If so, I believe I'd like the NO CORPSE section if you don't mind" when eating at the IHOP on I-35, New Braunfels, Texas. I've been pretty fuckin' hungry myself, and I am from Texas, but I could never stomach a meal of any kind right after looking at a dead body in person. I find it takes a good thirty to forty-five minutes to get my appetite back. Maybe I'm just a sissy, that's just how THE LORD made me.

Speaking of THE LORD, everybody go ahead and bow your heads. "Dear LORD, I know it's just one thing after another with me, but what I ask of you this time is completely non-selfish and not motivated in any way by my want for money or cocaine or a fuckin' slammin' system for my hooptie. Those days are over, I have seen the error of my ways, and embarassed at my greedy behavior. This time around I would like to simply request WORLD PEACE. Short of that, or if you're in a good mood AFTER performing such an amazing feat, please provide all my homies with ample amounts of cocaine and money. LORD, give them the will to share with their bearded, round brethren. Lastly, oh LORD, I know it is wrong to lust after women, but I happen to know some folks who view pornography on a regular basis and have extensive collections of rare and exotic nastiness. I think, LORD, it's in everybody's best interest if said collections are placed in my care, for I promise to make quick work of disposing of aforementioned filth. Oh yeah, one more thing: I know there are a lot of old folks out there on medication, and sometimes LORD, these old folks forget to take their medication, especially PAIN and/or ANTI-ANXIETY medication. Please give me the names and addresses of all of these folks in my area, and I vow to you, my mighty SAVIOR, this will never happen again." AMEN

Okay, now it is time for the ROCK REVIEW. This is just a re-cap of all the rock shows the HOGNOSE rock and roll unit (yeah, I said UNIT, what's so fuckin' funny?) have played since we talked last. I think it was in December, we played at ROOM 710. The following is an abbreviated version of what happened.

FMCKB (Foggy Mountain Cop Killin' Boys) took the stage. They played songs about "Pussy, Meth, and Truck Stops." I have already promised all of my future daughters to these boys because it is obvious to me that they know how to treat women.

HOGNOSE. We played the rock, had a great crowd, all was good. I think my Les Paul is sick or something. At least I don't have a wooden leg or something. That would be something to cry about.

EGYPT. All those "Cookie Monster" bands can just go back to work at the fuckin Krispy Kreme. They had the Butthole Surfers bass player on guitar. I'll put it to you like this: I picked up their entire hooker tab. THATS HOW MUCH I LOVED THEM!

FRUNTTBUTT. If you haven't seen these fuckers, there is no way I can relate to you the severe amount of retardedness that took place using just words, but I'll try. First, the singer had a fuckin Robocop outfit on, they played one song and said "Good Night!" then left the stage for probably five minutes. When they started back up it was just non-stop brutal stupidity. If you have never seen a dude jump head-first into a rubber trashcan from a four foot stage, you should give these guys a try. Amazing.

Go by and say "Hey" to our man Woody and the crew at Room 710, drink a bunch of drinks, tip big, then get the fuck out of there 'cause you're taking up "payin' customer space."

Next, we played at The Triple Crown with Goatsmilk and Dead Shaggy Pony. I believe there was another band in there, but I can't tell you who, I was not around for everybody this time. The long and short of this show is that the place was packed with a surprising amount of fine ladies, there was a lot of that pushing and shoving, and it was a damn fine time. The old Triple Crown is the only place in San Marcos worth a fuck for live music. Also, if you go in there and ask the bartender "Do you have change for a hundred?" they'll give you a turn at the KISS pinball machine in back.

Okay, I think this brings us up to the BATTLE OF THE DRUMMERS featuring SUPERHEAVYGOATASS, SOUTHERN GUN CULTURE, HOGNOSE, AND ACTIVATOR at EMO"S. Yeah, this lineup rules and there is no denying it. I could go over this in depth, but I think it is best to defer to my friend Danny G., guitar player for Southern Gun Culture, photographer, and speller extraordinare. He wrote a excellent review for www.stonerrock.com. Go there and read that, I believe he pretty much covers it. If you weren't there, check it out: Make sure you don't miss the next one. I predict one day, this rock and roll beast will merge and become the drunkest sorority girl in five counties.

Last, certainly not least, we played at The RED EYED FLY last Saturday. This was great as well, it was cold outside, but warm on the back patio with the kickass heaters going full blast. I had to book after HOGNOSE played the rock, but was told the rest of the evening was enjoyed by all. Thanks Heath, Todd, and the rest of the nice folks at Red Eyed Fly for allowing us to come in your club and pose like rock stars. We'll be back at the Red Eyed Fly for a SUPERROCK show in February with HONKY, DIXIE WITCH, BROKEN TEETH, and BLUES CONDITION. This show will fucking kill, so ladies, make sure to wear your shortest skirt and leave your boyfriend or husband at home (girlfriends, of course, are fine as long as they look good naked).

We're gonna be at the Axiom in Houston on Jan 25, so all you folks down southeasterly-ways, get out your "goin' to Church" teeth. This'll be with DIXIE WITCH as well, so you got that goin' for 'ya. I don't guess I know another damn thing. It's eatin' time here at the residence, so I guess I'm gonna get in there and put the feed bag on.

We'll see 'ya at the Dairy Queen.

Hognews for 11/18/2002 AND NOW................ BRAND NEW NEWS!!!! Look here everybody, I am fightin' off some kind of germ that is causing the following symptoms: confusion, nausea, chest congestion, coughing, incontinence, and priapism. It all started when I spent that night in Juarez all doped up on cough syrup and pills (normally not a problem, in fact I sometimes feel more healthy after such an episode) and has continued through the past week all the way up to today, which I know is Monday (I heard the trash man this morning), but I have no idea what the date is.

So, let's have a moment here for me to talk to THE LORD: "Dear Lord, I know I have asked you for a lot of selfish and downright frivilous things in the past, which was wrong of me, I'll admit, but c'mon, it's not like you ever took any of it seriously anyway, right? I think I have a pretty good case here, so if you'll just give me about a minute of your time, I'd appreciate it. So here goes: Lord, please, please, please, can I get one of them TV's like Ozzy has? Also, can you find it within your infinite mercy to let me have a really kickass treehouse? Finally, Lord, could you go ahead and cure all of the sick and diseased folks in the world, especially those with priapism? I'd appreciate it. By the way, thanks for the pocket pussy and all that candy! You rule!"

All right, on with the news! First, I gotta catch everybody up on the "missing" San Marcos Scene article. We received a call from the guy who interviewed us and he was none too happy about our "lampooning" his interview here on our little old website. I can see how a guy would be sensitive about somebody calling their sister and mom a couple of cheap prostitutes, even if it was a joke. So, to that guy I would like to say this: "You are never gonna meet a bigger crybaby than me, so I know how you feel, hell, just last week I threw a fit because someone woke me up during nap-time. Like my good friend, "Red" said, "We all have our moments."" " I have arranged to have an alternate version of our "joke" version of your interview published here on our website. I hope it goes a long way toward erasing any bad feelings between us, the HOGNOSE rock band, and you, the young, bright, affable reporter person."

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING "FAKE" INTERVIEW IS NOT REAL! THIS IS JUST A JOKE, NOTHING SERIOUS. PLEASE GOD, DO NOT GET BENT OUT OF SHAPE BY ANYTHING RESEMBLING AN INTERVIEW THAT YOU SEE FOLLOWING ALL THESE CAPITAL LETTERS BECAUSE IT IS ONLY GOING TO CAUSE YOU UNDUE ANXIETY. OKAY? SAN MARCOS SCENE: Okay, here we go. What are some of your influences? TODD: I would have to say, above all, my parents and THE LORD. SHANE: I concur, except I'd put THE LORD first. SOL: I agree with Shane, even though my parents have been a big influence on me, both in my personal life and my musical career, I believe overall that THE LORD has been even more of a guide than my parents, not to take anything away from them, they are my parents, but THE LORD could have me sent to hell, and I'm not risking that shit on some interview. SCOTT: Yes, THE LORD, then my parents. I also like me some beef jerky. Like to give a shout-out to all those cholitas up on the Southeast side. TODD: Right, I'm gonna go on record and say I messed up when I answered. What I meant was THE LORD, then my parents. I will also agree that I like beef jerky as well. Might I add, you are a polite and handsome young man? SCOTT: Dare I say magnanimous? SOL: I admit, this has been a lovely interview! SHANE: We are forever indebted to you kind Sir! Allow me to grovel in your tremendous shadow! SAN MARCOS SCENE: There is no need for grovelling, I am but a kindly scribner, relaying music news to the masses, I expect no compensation, dear fife! Unhand my pantleg and stand tall like a man! Yeah, it goes on like this for a while. BUT NOT REALLY SINCE THE PREVIOUS "FAKE" INTERVIEW WAS JUST A LIE! I MADE IT UP BY MYSELF, THERE IS NO TRUTH WHATSOEVER TO THE WHOLE THING!

So, now that we have covered that piece of business, lets get on over to some REAL news. First, I guess it was a couple of weeks ago that we played THE TRIPLE CROWN with Southern Gun Culture and Tummler. Good fun had by all, even though by the time Tummler played, there were only about ten people in the whole bar. No matter. It was a cold and rainy Monday night in San Marcos. The following Wednesday we packed up the trucks and headed for the Stoner Hands of Doom fest in Mesa Arizona. I will give you the lowdown on the drive between San Marcos and Mesa, as perfectly described by Scott Cerda, drummer a-la-king: "It's like looking at a fish tank."

Good words Scott. Anyway, we played at about 5:30 on a Friday afternoon, and it was cool, but 5:30 nonetheless. The best thing, by far, about playing early is that we were able to get all of our gear back to our Motel room, then go back to the club and check out all the other bands that evening. I saw every band except Southern Gun Culture, but since I saw them the previous Monday, I feel like I can say with all certainty that they rocked. Here's a rundown of the evening's events: HOGNOSE (That's us, we had a good time, played for only about 30 minutes) SOUTHERN GUN CULTURE (I missed 'em, but have been assured they kicked ass, which I figured anyway since they are from Texas) sUPERhEAVYgOATaSS (Completely bad-ass, I love these guys as well, and they are from Texas too) PINKY TUSCADERO'S White Knuckle Ass Fuck (I think they were from Phoenix, I couldn't even count all the people on stage) CAROL ANN (Screaming doom 3-piece I think were locals) MARSHAN (From Scotland, odd mix of that Swedish garage thing and that Black Sabbath soccer hooligan thing, but in a good way) DIXIE WITCH (More of our Texas brethren, sooooooo fucking good. Also I need to mention that all the Texas bands had at least one dude from Lubbock in each band. Oh yeah, Dixie Witch.....yeah.......) SOURVEIN (These folks are from all over, but live in Texas for the time being. Very heavy doomified Southern sludge. I liked this shit a lot. After the first song there was about a twenty minute delay while they replaced a bunch of blown-up bass gear) THE SUPLECS (Yep, from Loosannah, good loud rock. Played a couple of songs with Dixie Witch, and it was an amazing way to end the first night of SHOD.)

Oh yeah, our motel in Mesa was kind of a crack supermarket, but there was a 24 hour Mexican food joint across the street where you could get 5 flautas with guacamole and cheese for 2.85. No shit, it was beautiful. Yeah, they'll be throwing another one of these SHODFESTS next year, supposedly in Portland. Start planning now, you won't regret it. I guess that's about it for now. Did we cover everything? Hope so. I'm gonna go lay down now and wait for that treehouse. Y'all behave yourselves.

See 'ya at the custody hearing.

Hognews for 10/22/2002 How-dee! 'Bout time for more news, so here goes: Well, best I can remember the HOGNOSE rock apparatus played over at The Triple Crown here in San Marcos a couple of weeks ago. Hell, I'm even gonna go so far as to say it was last week.

Anyway, lemme give you a little background on this gig: Scott Cerda, long-haired drummer-supremo, actually broke his pinkie a couple of days before the gig. Now, I'm not going to say exactly how this happened because of national security reasons, but suffice to say it involved a helicopter and some fucking guns and, uh, yeah, some hot mamas of the large-breasted variety. Right. Anyway, his finger was broken, so since he was somewhat disabled, he gave up all of his pain medication without a fight. Good move Scott!

Oh, yeah, so then we played and it was a GOT-DAMN rock and roll smashathon. Drumsticks flew, shit fell over, man it was beautiful! The whole time, there's Scott with a horrifying grimace on his face just bashing away. Now, that boy is a rock and roll trooper of the highest rank. Once again, thanks to all the folks at The Triple Crown for their hospitality and drink tickets, and to Eric Shaw, guitar player/booker/golfer extraordinare. Okay, then we played at The Back Room in Austin on a Sunday, that I know for sure. This time, I noticed a marked difference in the look on Scott's face whilst playing drums. I believe this can be attributed to the dilaudid I slipped into his pre-show pineapple smoothie.

We played the rock music and it was mighty loud. Then the ACTIVATOR band kicked it in the ass for about an hour, then we all went home. Good fun had by all, especially Scott. Look for HOGNOSE at the SHOD fest in Phoenix AZ here in a couple of weeks. I believe the exact date is November 8. You will know it is us by the way we get up on stage and then say "We're Hognose." That is the for-sure tipoff. If you miss that, and you don't know any better, you should ask somebody, if they say "Hognose" then it might be us if the whole band is eating fried chicken. Also, check out Sleazegrinder.com and StonerRock.com for Hognose press and the straight deal on the real rock. I guess that's it for now. See 'ya in the desert

HOGNEWS for 09/25/2002 How-dee! Look here y'alll, we got us some fresh slop for this month, so let's get to it:

I know I mentioned the new drummer situation last month, well, let me say now: THANK YOU LORD FOR NOT PUNISHING ME FURTHER FOR THE "MASTURBATING AT CHURCH" THING, I THOUGHT A YEAR WAS ENOUGH MYSELF! This new guy, WHOO-WEE! That's about all I can say about that...... Oh yeah, his name is Scott, which rhymes with numerous other words, mainly "twat" and "apricot." You can also find El Scott y Corte de Pelo holding it down behind the handsome and talented Activator RocknRoll band of Austin, Texas. Check them out, if you get a chance, and tell 'em to play that fucking Caddy song real loud.

Now, on to other NEWS: We played over there at Room 710 last week with Horror Movie and Electric Cock. The Horror Movie band fucking kicked ass, they even have a dude named Davy Trash who plays guitar like that guy from Metallica, what's his name? Kurt, yeah, he plays like that guy if he was retarded and all hopped-up on glue. In other words: He is my HERO. I am swooning a little just thinking about these guys. Lord-a-Mercy!

Then, Hognose played some rock. It was cool. Then I left TOO SOON, as I found out later! The hubbub is that ELECTRIC COCK put on a barn-burner of a drunk-ass rock exhibition. Word has it that there was even some mad-wife bottle throwing! Man, I think it is possible that ELECTRIC COCK will be the first rock band in history to receive the Congressional Medal of Honor based on my recommendation alone. How much cooler could they be? None. None more cool.

Oh yeah, last Saturday we played over there at The Triple Crown of San Marcos with Unsurpassed Profit, Southern Gun Culture,and Blues Condition. Furly sang the "Little Birdeeee" song, SGC pounded my sorrows into a bloody mess, then Blues Condition gave John Lee Hooker the MC5 treatment for the fastest thirty minute set I have ever witnessed. At the end of the night, HOGNOSE put the fire to it and then it was all over. Did I mention we had a new drummer. Oh yeah....new drummer (drooling a little, eyes rolled back). Special thanks to all the crew at the TC, the only place in San Marcos where you can drink and hear live music every day of the year, even when there's a flood and electricity is off.

I guess that's it for now. Everybody keep an eye on the website for updates, I'll try to keep 'em coming no matter how inane they are. See 'ya at the trainwreck.

HOGNEWS for 08/21/2002 Howdy, and welcome to HOGNOSE MKII! You may have noticed the slight difference in the website, as I did after having it pointed out twice. Nonetheless, we're back with more lies, so let's get on with it.

First off, there's been a little personnel change over here at Hogquarters. We are now in possession of a brand-spankin' new drummer. You'll know who he is when you see him, he'll be the one in the chicken suit. Rest assured the RAWK will continue as usual, there is no need to panic. We will be trotting out our new skin-basher on September 18 at Room 710, right here in good old Austin, Tejas. Without a doubt, a good time will be had by all, so finish off those antibiotics and be there. I guess that's it for now. We'll have more news as it develops.

See 'ya at Dr. Tongue's House of 3-D Wax Fruit.