This reporter has only recently learned the truth about the alleged death of the late Ayatollah Khomeini, the late spiritual and political leader of Iran. Khomeini is not dead. His death was faked by his closest advisors in order to allow Khomeini to live a more normal life. The late Khomeini is now living in a suburb of Cleveland. He has shaved his beard, and he no longer wears the traditional dress of the Islamic mullah. I visited Cleveland after heaaring rumors of Khomeini's existence there. What I found was shocking indeed.
Khomeini has been leading a quiet life of retirement in the Cleveland area since his death. I was curious as to why the avowed hater of America would want to retire to a Cleveland suburb. While I was unable to speak directly to the former leader, I was granted an interview with his personal secretary, Mr. U. Ben Hadd. Hadd agreed to reply to several questions regarding the late Khomeini's personal affairs.
Misleader: Why would Khomeini, who has always espoused hatred for America, retire to Cleveland?
Hadd: Khomeini is really a gentle soul. He has loved the Cleveland area ever since his visit here as a small child.
Misleader: So he really doesn't hate America?
Hadd: Of course not. Khomeini is applying for citizenship now that he has been a U.S. resident for a long enough time. He pays his taxes. He loves America.
Misleader: He does?
Hadd: Oh yes, he always has. Khomeini loves America and all of the American people. He did not particularly care for Jimmy Carter, but on the whole he does like Americans.
Misleader: Then why did he always shout Death to America, Death to Carter? Why did he take Americans hostage? Why did he overrun the American embassy?
Hadd: You've been misinformed by the American press. They are a tool of the vast right wing conspiracy. In fact, Khomeini never did any of these things.
Misleader: But it's well known. Everyone knows that he did.
Hadd: No, it's all lies. None of it is true.
Misleader: I find it very difficult to believe that you really think that is true. Are you lying to me?
Hadd: Would I lie to you?
Misleader: Yes, I think you would.
Hadd: Never. The Ayatollah is a very religious man. He does not condone the telling of falsehoods. He would have me shot if he thought I were lying to you.
Misleader: He would have you shot?
Hadd: Well, not literally.
Misleader: So you're telling me that the overruning of the American Embassy in Teheran and the taking of the hostages never occurred?
Hadd: I didn't say that.
Misleader: Then what did you mean by saying that Khomeini never did these things?
Hadd: I meant that Khomeini never personally participated in any of these events. I was not attempting to say that they did not happen. That would be ludicrous. I am not an idiot.
Misleader: Are you sure?
Hadd: Of course I'm sure. Are you saying that I am?
Misleader: I didn't say that. See, it works both ways.
Hadd: What?
Misleader: Let's get back on the subject. What is Khomeini doing these days? What does he do for fun? How does he spend his time?
Hadd: Khomeini is involved in a great deal of charity work. He has a great deal of compassion for the homeless. They don't have homeless people in Iran. Khomeini was greatly moved by the sight of so many homeless people on the streets of Cleveland. He has fully funded through personal contributions and those of his friends the Ayotollah's Embassy for the Homeless. Homeless people are taken there, often against their will and interrogated vigorously in an attempt to discover the true cause of their homeless condition.
Misleader: So it's like a prison camp for the homeless?
Hadd: Are you deliberately trying to insult me?
Misleader: You are an insult to America and to the human race. You and that piece of human garbage you call an ayatollah.
Hadd: That's it; I'm leaving. I've taken all of this abuse I care to.
Misleader: There's a lot more where that came from, Scumbucket. Come back here and take it like a man. You're not a man, you don't have what it takes. Come back here, you pansy. You hostage-taking pitiful excuse for a camel's rear end. You . . .
The management interrupts this story to bring you the following news bulletin:
We in no way condone the actions of our reporter Warren Peace in this interview. This is not the way we normally conduct our interviews. We offer our apology to the scumbucket and the pitiful excuse for a man that he works for. Please accept our most humble apology. Scum!