A long time ago in a foreign country, a man named Hector rode his horse across the plains. Hector rode backwards in the saddle, and his horse walked in reverse. This was not as unusual as it may seem, for Hector resided in a rather backward country. Hector was a royal knight in the tiny European kingdom of Clodd. He proudly served King Melvin as one of the Knights of the Other Day. Hector's appellation was The Knight Before. As the noble Hector sallied forth upon the back of his confused steed one fine afternoon, he was approached by another knight who also rode in reverse. "Greetings to thee, most noble Hector, Knight of the Other Day, known far and wide throughout the land as The Knight Before," quoth the other knightly gent. "I, Hamish, The Knight of a Thousand Days, challenge you to a knightly duel."

Hector gazed sternly upon the countenance of the young Hamish. "Thou wouldst do well not to challenge me, good Sir Knight," spoke the noble one. "For it has oft been said that The Knight Before precedes the mourning after." Having properly warned his opponent, the noble Hector promptly slew the other knight by hacking off his toenails. Hector despised knights who rode backwards.

Hector's mount soon backed into a quaint little country village in the province of Belch. The townspeople were celebrating wildly in the streets. Curious as to the cause of this joyous celebration, the noble Hector approached a group of young maidens who were singing gaily in front of a pub. "Pray tell, fair maidens," quoth he. "What is the momentous occasion which thou art commemorating?"

"Why good sir knight," the loveliest of the maidens replied, "a vicious and oh-so-large fire farting dragon has burned a home to the ground and eaten two young children in the process."

"Never fear, ye citizens of this fair little berg. I, Hector, The Knight Before, shall slay this ghastly fire farting beast which has wrought such death and destruction in your midst." Having spoken thusly, the noble Hector backed out of town in quest of the lethal beast. On that particular morning the fire farting dragon was not diificult to locate. Due to extreme flatulence the dragon had burned down an entire forest. The two children, it would seem, had been rather disagreeable to the beast's digestion.

The most noble Hector slew the monumental creature in what shall surely go down in history as one of the most epochal battles ever to have taken place in the province of Belch, perhaps even in the whole of Europe. Having done so, Hector hacked off the beast's head with his pen knife. Hector then lugged the enormous head into the village to present it in triumph to the townspeople. The populace were so enraptured at the sight that they slew the noble Hector forthwith. They buried his body in an unmarked grave. I told you it was a backward country, didn't I?

This story has a moral: never slay a fire farting dragon in a backward country . . . unless you do so on a Thursday.

©Dennis Turner 1997