Folks, I've got another fishin' tale that I jest gotta tell somebody. I know, ya'll are probly thankin' sumpthin' like, "I don't wanna hear no more of them phony fish stories." But this one ain't no lie. Man, I guarantee ya it's the honest truth. Shore is. Me an' ol' Fred took a trip t'other day all the way down to Lake Hogwash. That's down there in Upchuck County, if'n ya'll ain't familiar with it. We wuz a-goin' down there to ketch some o' them big ol' slab crappies. Wellsir, this here Lake Hogwash is where they has been a-testin' them there newfangled Cruise missiles. Those that they is testin' is the brand newest version of them thangs what they has ever come up with so fer. Man, I'm tellin' ya, me an' ol' Fred started to walkin' acrost this here rickety ol' walkway to git over to the fishin' pier. It wuz purt near midnight. Man, it wuz darker'n dark. Why, son, you jest couldn't see nothin'. Well, we had jest made it nearly 'bout halfway acrost when the darkness wuz shattered by the most hugest kersplash that this ol' kuntry boy has ever done heared. I carefully shined my flashlight backards to where ol' Fred wuz behind me. I did. And goldangit if'n he weren't gone! Yessiree, he wuz. I 'member thankin' I wunder where he went. Wellsir, upon closer zamination, I discovered a pair o' hands a-hangin' onta the edge o' the dock. It appeared that my ol' fishin' buddy had done took hisself a wrong turn. Yep, it did.

Now, lemme tell ya, I wuz a-tryin' to hoist Fred outta the water when I slipped backards myself and fell right down there into that there water mexican infested depths. I heared ol' Fred a-yellin' sumpthin what sounded alot like, "Helghnarg, aesputtfernussleglub!" I never did know 'zackly what he wuz a-tryin' to say. But, man lemme rell ya, I never did thank I'd be able to git outta that there drink. Somehow or 'nother, though, we managed to extract ourselves from that there prediccymint. We finally did make our way to the part of the pier where ya does the fishin' without no further complications.

Y'know, it weren't more'n a minute afore ol' Fred banged out a half-mile cast. He commenced to reelin' that there crappie jig back in real slow-like when he felt sumpthin' grab aholta it. Now, ol' Fred, he rared back real hard to set the hook. Why, son, he most nearly turned that there pier over on its side. Yes he did. Man, you ain't never seen nothin' like what expired after that. Sumpthin' shot up outta that there water, and it come a-flyin' through the air at purt near the speed o' light. "Oh, no!" Fred hollered. Yes he did; I heared him. He said, "One of them ther 'tomical submachines has done went and shot a Curse missile at us!" You might not bleev this, but he jumped plum through a hole what wuz in the floor o' that there pier.

Wellsir, I said, "That ain't Curse missile, you dummy; it's cruise missile," whilst I ducked behind the bench in order to avoid the obviously sinister perjectile. It were't too long afore Fred's curiousity got the best of him. He stuck his head up through the hole jest in time to git smacked in the face by a li'l ol' teeny weenie crappie. Why, that boy had set the hook so hard that the crappie became airborned. Man, that li'l sucker liketa busted Fred's nose when it smacked him. Shore did.

Now, ya'll might understand why it took me a good while afore I could quit laughin'. When I wuz able to regain control of myself, I waved a plastic worm under Fred's nose to revive him from outta his state o' shock. Onced he come to, we commenced to fishin' again. Yes, we did. We went fer a good while without so much as a nibble. I poured myself a cup of ol' Fred's coffee outta the Thermos bottle. Man, that stuff shore do taste nasty. Sorta reminds me of used 90 weight gear oil what's been settin' in a can behind a fillin' station fer a coupla years. Well, anyhow, whilst i wuz drinkin' that stuff, I had a strike so hard that it liketa jerked me plum offa the pier. It did fer a fact. I rared back to set the hook, and my hawg stick done bent double. I commenced to hollerin'. "Oowee!" I sez, "I done hooked me a real monster crappie!" Man, that there drag on my ol' Knuckle Buster 5000 reel wuz a-screamin' like the engines on one o' them there Concorde airplanes. Wellsir, afore I knowed it, the handle flewed offa the reel like it were a helicopter. It sailed right past my left ear and jest kept a-goin'. Why, it nearly 'bout went inta orbit or sumpthin'. Yes it did. I mean to tell ya, this here wuz some kinda fish! Them ol' gears commenced to meltin' down, and the levelwind flew right off and disappeared into the darkness.

Why, son, ol' Fred grabbed aholta my 840 pound test line and tied it right to the pier. The line wuz a-flyin' offa that reel faster'n bats outta a cave at sunst. Wellsir, that there line wuz stretched tight afore long. Then that ol' pier commenced to shakin' and to creakin' and to poppin' like a corn popper full o' ol' Orville Redenbacher's corn. I knew sumpthin' had to give. Soon they wuz a terrible explosion as we busted aloose from the shore. Shore did! Man, we went a-zoomin' off acrost the lake at nearly 'bout a zillion and a half miles a hour. Me an' ol' Fred wuz both a-hangin' onta the guard rails of that there pier fer dear life.

Alluva sudden that there line went plum slack, and the dock drifted to a halt. They wuz a kinda eerie pink glow on the surface o' the water. It 'peered to 'luminate uppards from the deep. It uz kinda dim at first, but it growed brighter and brighter until it wuz plum blindin'. Now, this here part might be a li'l bit hard to bleev, but I swear it's the truth. One o' them atomical submachines done popped up to the surface with a huge kersplash. Man, me an' Fred wuz both too skeert to move. Afore too long they wuz a hissin' sound and that there hatch of that there submachine done popped right open. Wellsir, they wuz a bright light what glowed from outta that there hatch. Afore we could move two fellers walked up outta the hatch and onta the deck of that there submachine. One of 'em had sorta dumbo ears. He wuz purty tall. The other feller wuz real short an' skinny. Wellsir, ol' shorty sez to us, he does, "What is you boys a-doin' follerin' us?"

But afore we could answer ol' Dumbo sez, "I thank they is spies, sir." Wellsir, I didn't like the sound o' that. Spies, why we wuz loyal yellow-blooded American citizens-whoops, I mean red-blooded. It didn't appear to set well with ol' Shorty neither. They both jumped right onta the pier and shoved us down the hatch and inta that there submachine. Wellsir, I ain't never been in one o' them submachines afore. I gotta admit that it wuz more'n a li'l bit spooky. They drove over to the Navy pier and shoved us out inta a coupla waintin' cars. Then they whisked us right on down to the local CIA office, Yes they did. Man, when we got there, these two big ugly mean lookin' dudesgrabbed aholta us and shoved us down a long empty hallway. Then they tossed us inta a li'l bitty ol' room what didn't have no winders atall.

I looke over at ol' Fred. He wuz a-shakin' in his boots. "Herman," he said, "How bad a trouble d'ya thank we's in?"

"We ain't did nothin' wrong, man," I said, "Leastways, not yet. How could we possibly be in any trouble?"

Afore too long this here feller in a grey flannel suit come on inta the room. Jest come right on in, he did. This feller had one o' them li'l Hitler-lookin' mustaches. That wuz when I began to thank that, yes, maybe we wuz in jest a li'l bit o' trouble. Anyhow, that there feller grabbed ol' Fred by the collar and shoved him inta a chair. Then he buckled him in with some kinda seatbelt lookin' thang. Next, he reached up towards the ceiling and pulled down a big ol' 400 watt spotlight and shined that sucker right inta Fred's face. He did. The silence wuz unbearable. After 'bout ten minutes, he gazed down inta Fred's face. "Has you ever been to Baghdad?"

"Izzat in Kansas?" Fred asked. "I been to Kansas once." Ol' Hitler looked plum disgusted, he did.

"How's about Beijing? Has you ever been there?"

"That's one o' them Indian towns up in Oklahoma, ain't it?" Fred asked. "Yeah, I mighta been there, but it woulda been over two years ago. See, I've gotta aunt who lives up there, and it's been two years since I visited her. Gotta go see her again real soon. Yessir." Wellsir, ol' Hitler looked plum disgruntled, he did. Kinda reminded me o' them boys down to the Post Office. He reached his hand inta his pocket. He's gonna pull outta gun and shoot Fred, I thought. But he never did no such thang. He jest pulled out a li'l ol' blue notebook what had the official CIA seal on the front cover. He commenced to writin' in that there notebook. Ol' Hitler musta asked Fred nearly 'bout two thousand questions. I dunno fer shore cuz I lost count, you see. Weel, ol' Fred, man, he's all nervous and sweaty by the time that there feller wuz through. After that he unstrapped Fred and shoved me inta the chair. That boy done asked me all o' the same questions. Yes he did. After that he hooked us up to lie detectors and asked the same thangs all over again. Then he looked unhappy and left the room.

"Nosy ol' coot, ain't he?" I asked Fred.

"Shore 'nuff is. Why, he even asked about my sex life. He shore did."

"What sex life?" I retorted.

Afore too long, them two ugly guards come back. They shoved us out the door and dragged us back down the hall to a office where a fat bald-headed man wuz a-settin' behind a big metal desk. "We has determined, after thorough cross examination, that you two is who you say you is, and not a coupla spies from Iran or someplace. So, I reckon as how we ain't got no choice but to let ya go. Ya'll gotta do one thang afore you kin leave, though. Ya gotta sign these here statements guaranteein' that ya won't never tell nobody what happened here tonight and that ya won't never try an' sue us fer it neither."

"I ain't signin' nothin!" Fred hollered. "I is gonna sue the crap outta ya'll fer this. Why, I'll write to my Congressman soon as I find out who he is!"

"Then I guess we has no choice but to 'liminate ya'll," Baldy said. Wellsir, they weren't no other choice. We both signed. "Ya'll kin go now," said Baldy.

They hauled us back to our truck. It wuz about sunrise when we drove back inta Oil Slick City and we seen ol' Sammy a-standin' on the street corner. We stopped to shoot the breeze, and we done told him about what had jest happened to us. "I jest don't unnerstand you two," Sammy drawled. "Ever time ya'll don't ketch no fish, you come back home with some sort o' cockamamie fairytale!" He said that, yes he did. Wellsir, it wuz about then that I noticed Fred wuz a-reachin' under the seat of my truck fer the tire iron to whop Sammy with. So's I shoved ol' Fred back inta the truck. A whole big ol' crowd had done gathered round by that time. They wuz all a-laughin' real hysterical like whilst Sammy told 'em our story. Fred wuz a-wigglin' and a-squirmin', tryin' to git loose and kill Sammy as I fired up the truck and roared off inta the sunrise.

© 1997 by Dennis Turner

Updated September 5, 1997