By Paige Turner
NASA, in an internal document classified as top secret by the CIA, reports that their findings prove conclusively that former president William Jefferson Clinton is not a native of planet Earth. A Clinton staffer who spoke on condition of anonymity, said, "I always knew there was somethin' strange about that Clinton boy. We gotta keep this quiet. If my wife and them other Republicans ever find out they'll make lots of hay with this. Yessirree they will."
Retired NASA scientist Dr. John Flusher has revealed the secret findings of NASA's elite scientific geneticists who have been studying the DNA of potential space aliens for the past twelve years. This endeavor has been kept secret from the public in order to avoid panic. "If they knew that our society was literally crawling with space aliens, the people would go berserk," said Dr. Flusher. Clinton's DNA test confirms other things besides his relationship with Monica Lewinsky, who, Flusher contends, is also a space alien.
"His DNA confirms without a doubt that Clinton is not a native of this planet. All Earth creatures have certain genetic markers in common. Those markers are absent from Cllinton's DNA. In fact, Clinton's DNA is most closely related to the DNA of another proven space alien, Saddam Hussein. It is still too soon to determine whether Clinton and Saddam came from the same planet, but it appears likely that they did," said Flusher.
When asked what other world leaders may be space aliens, Dr. Flusher replied, "We know for certain that Yassar Arafat comes from another galaxy. Not just another planet, but an entirely different galaxy. Also a number of lesser known world leaders are known to be offworlders. We no longer use the term space alien. They prefer to be called offworlders." I asked Flusher if any other previous U. S. presidents have been offworlders. "Oh, yes," he said. "I have not been able to test the DNA of every former president, but so far three have definitely been offworlders. They are John F. Kennedy, John Tyler, and Dinah Wahington." When I pointed out that Dinah Washington was a jazz singer, and not a president, Flusher replied, "Of course, I meant George Burns."
Could this tale of governmental secrets and increasingly rampant offworld leadership of our planet be true? Or is Flusher simply down the tubes? To find out I sent a Freedom of Information Act request to NASA. It was returned unopened. This reporter has noticed a number of sinister looking government vehicles following her around for the past few days. I fear for my safety. Remember, dear readers that if I am killed under mysterious circumstances or I should disappear, the space alien loving contingent of NASA and the CIA are to blame. They are literally everywhere. How long will it be before our world becomes merely a breeding farm for alien replacement body parts? I am certain that this is what they have in store for us. Unite now. Together we can defeat them and save Earth for us.